The Stuggles of a Woman Building Her Family Through Adoption

I have been dealing with this bout of jealousy all morning long. I know it's not right. I know I am extremely blessed. I have three beautiful children and I am very grateful for them. Most of the time I am perfectly happy with the way we've had to build our family, but then Satan starts attacking me and I start feeling sorry for myself and that is where I am today. I am hoping by writing this that I can get it all out and feel better. My niece is pregnant, isn't married and has no plans to get married in the future. This pregnancy was a birth control accident. She found out she was pregnant right after Mom made her journey to Heaven. For the longest time I was scared to death she'd have a girl. I told John the day of the funeral that if we ever had a girl that I wanted to name her after mom. I was afraid the baby was a girl that my niece would have the same idea. Petty? Yes, but I'm trying to deal with these feelings so that can move on. Then we were blessed with Princess and we found out she was having a boy. I was in the save zone.

Things settled down for a while until I got a phone call from my SIL three days ago telling me that she "forgot" to send me my invitation to the shower. The shower is today and I would really like to go and celebrate this baby because it's the right thing to do. I am stuck at home though because we still don't have the van fixed.

This brings me to my newest quest to feel sorry for myself. Baby showers! They are a grand and wonderful way to celebrate a baby, gifts aside. Then I started thinking about how I'll never be able to have a shower. The boys were too old and they came with almost everything under the sun that any child could hope for. They were so blessed with a great "foster" family and a wonderful church family so they pretty much moved in and took over. My house looked like Wal-mart the weekend they moved in. As a foster family, of course no one thinks about showers because these situations aren't supposed to be permanent. When Princess arrived, we had NOTHING for baby except some clothes that Mom and I bought while I was pregnant with Madison. The day we brought her home I was rushing around like a mad woman trying to get her meds. Our first outting was running to walmart (pushing two carts) to pick up a bassinet for her to sleep in. Everyone was laughing at us. It took us an hour and ten minutes to get out of that store. LOL One of my sisters blessed us with some bottles and an outfit and the other bought a pack of diapers and some wipes. About a week later our church blessed us with a gift basket the ladies of the church had put together. I am so grateful for everything. Still my heart longs for shower games, shower food, punch - the celebration! Now that we have boys and a girl, we have pretty much everything we need. It's petty and selfish because that is NOT what having children is all about.

Then I thought about how her mom is throwing the shower. Even if I did get pregnant and have a shower, my mom isn't here to do that for me. I miss her so much. I feel like my kids were robbed of really getting to know their Grammie. Princess (and our future children) will never even get to meet her on this earth. That makes me long for Heaven when I can see Mama again and my kids can see their Grammie. All in all I just need my mommy.

"Good-byes don't come easy when you must tell someone you love. And parting brings sorry and the time spent together never seems like enough. When she walked into the room she saw that look on (her) face. She knew this time had come and hoped it would be far away. When she took (her) by the hand, fighting back the tears right away (she) got that feeling angels were near. She heard (her) say, heard (her) say, "(Mommies) don't stay forever. That's what they always say. One day in life they make that journey. That time nobody knows. The bond we made will last forever, I give you my promise today - if you should ever just need your (mommy) I will be a memory away. I will be a memory away."

It's That Time of Year Again. :-(

Tomorrow, June 28th, is my birthday. It's supposed to be a happy day. Yet this year I am struggling to find it hard to be happy. June 28th 2007 I found out I was pregnant with Michael. I didn't find out until I was six weeks along. It was kind of a fluke that we found out. I started my period on my own on June 14th, something that almost never happens due to my PCOS. I had already taken a pregnancy test and it was negative. I had been taking Clomid that cycle so on the 28th I went in for my CD 13 ultrasound to see if I had any eggs. I had been spotting for two weeks and when I walked in the doctor told me that because of that I probably wouldn't be getting good news (meaning my hormones were probably too low for me to ovulate). She does the ultrasound and walks out. Normally she'd tell me how many eggs I have. She came back in and told me to get dressed and that she wanted to get some labs on me. This was nothing out of the ordinary. Joni, the beloved nurse who had seen me through many failed cycles, took my blood and said she'd call me back that afternoon with the results. She finally called me back and said something that I couldn't even understand. I asked her to repeat herself and she said "Well, you're pregnant!" I asked her how that could even be possible. She ended the conversation telling me my HCG (pregnancy test) numbers were low and that my progesterone was also low. I had to start injections and come back in on Monday. We told EVERYONE. We were so excited. I do not regret that decision because even though we'd already lost two other babies I knew that we would need the support of our family and friends if the worst did happen. Monday I went in and my numbers were zero. I was to stop the injections so I could complete the miscarriage. There was almost 4 years between my pregnancy with Eli and Michael. I was certain that God had blessed us and I still believe that He blessed us. No matter how the pregnancy ended, it was a blessing. Even for the sort time I knew I was pregnant. Without him, I wouldn't have my boys. We'd talked about foster care but hadn't planned on starting classes until January. Angel Michael helped his brothers find their way to us. Even though we've been blessed 3 times since Michael (and hopefully won't have to say goodbye to Princess) each of my children are still a big part of my life and my heart. Needless to say June 28th - July 2nd are very hard days for me. I usually try to take a weekend away, but that's not possible this year.

Tomorrow also marks another tragic event in my life. Tomorrow I'll go to the grave yard for probably the 50th time in 6 months. Six months ago, I heard my Mama say the last words she'll ever say to me on earth. "Goodbye, I love you too." I still struggle to understand how one can be so full of life one minute and gone 15 literal minutes later. I know WHY it happened while we were gone. I know she was waiting for us to leave so the boys or myself would find her. When I hold princess I still struggle with knowing that she will never get to impart all of the wisdom in her life that she imparted in mine. All of these things that I never thought I would have to do alone, I have to face alone. I had 26.5 wonderful years with my Mama. My boys only had 9 months with her. Princess will never get to do that. I often tell myself the reason that Mom died when she did was so she could help take care of Princess while she was still in Heaven. As strange as it sounds there are many things in Princess that make me see Mama in her.

Even though this sounds like a very depressing blog, and it is really, I am very thankful. I have a Mama who taught me to be the woman I am today. I am a better person for having her in my life. I have a husband who loves me, despite the fact that he makes me so mad I want to smack him sometimes. I have three beautiful angel babies, who have each made me a better person in the short time I was blessed to carry them. I have three "earth" children who prove to me each day how much God really does love me. Each day has its challenges, but each day has its blessings too. I am thankful for a God who looked down and seen how broken and hurt I was after losing my babies and decided to restore and mend my heart. There were times when I NEVER thought I would have earth children. Now I have three. I'm not sure how long I will be earth mom to three, but I am thankful for the amount of time HE allows me to care for and love my beautiful princess. My birthday wish is that each of you would go to your mom and tell her how much you love her. Time is too short to let petty little things get in the way. Give her two hugs...one from yourself and one from those of us who can't hug our mother anymore.

I must close for now. John is making my birthday cake. My aunt Flossie used to make a cake called Banana Split Cake. It has become a tradition that he always makes me one for my birthday. I must go steal a cherry. ;)

A new addition to our Ohana

Yesterday we got a call from Placement! It was totally unexpected because we just adopted the boys a month ago! We are getting placed with a 13 day old baby girl. I called John and told him he had to come home. He came home and got pulled over at the end of our street. He should've gotten a ticket, but he explained to the cop that we were foster parents and we had to get to the hospital to pick up a baby. He came on home and we waited for the CPS worker to call us. John drove me CRAZY. I was already antsy and him setting there asking me every 15 minutes if they had forgot us...if they had placed her with another family. I tried to assure him that wasn't the case but now he's freaking me out! She finally called and said she was just waiting for the paperwork to go through to put Princess in DCS custody and then we'd meet at the hospital. After an eternity we get to the hospital and I meet Princess. I fell in love from the moment I saw her. Ok ok, I was in love from the moment they called us. We ended up having to wait until today to bring her home because the doctor wanted to train me to take care of the medical issues she has. It's been a long day and John ended up having to go to work today but we're doing great. The boys love her. When I told Sam he said "Aww! Mom, God answered our prayers." I told him that she wasn't a sister and we were just going to take care of her. He told me "Mom, I asked God for a sister and he's given her to us. Believe me, we're keeping her!" How do you argue with that? LOL Landon was excited at first but by the time I brought her down to the car he told the nurse "we don't need a baby sister. You can take her back upstairs, please." Oh I wonder what the next few days have in store for us! LOL

What Makes a Mother?

I am posting this for my angel babies. Madison, Elijah, Michael, please know that Mommy and Daddy and your brothers love you very much. I am so blessed to be your Mommy. I can't wait until the day I can hold you in my arms and get kisses from you for Mother's Day. Please give Grammie kisses from all of us and tell her we miss her so. Give hugs and kisses to Aunt Flossie and Mamaw Vela too please. With love - Mommy.

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
and I know I heard Him say

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But, God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can" He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay"

"I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here"
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

"I wish that I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy, don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here'

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are in My home
And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me
Until our lesson is through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on Earth may not realize
you are
Author Unknown... a Mother
Until their time is done
They'll be up here with Me one day
And know you're the best one!"


Author Unknown

Daddy, Can I Borrow $25?

Can I Borrow $25.
00

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.


SON: Daddy, may I ask you a question?

DAD: Yeah sure, what is it? Replied the man.


SON: Daddy, how much do you make an hour?

DAD: That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing? The man said angrily.


SON: I just want to know.
Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?

DAD: If you must know, I make $50 an hour. SON: Oh, the little boy replied, with his head down.


SON: Daddy, may I please borrow $25?

The father was furious, If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities. The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.


The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money? After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often.


The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. 'Are you asleep, son?' He asked. 'No daddy, I'm awake, replied the boy. 'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier said the man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.


The little boy sat straight up, smiling. Oh, thank you daddy! He yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father. Why do you want more money if you already have some? The father grumbled. Because I didn't have enough, but now I do, the little boy replied.


Daddy, I have $50 now.
Can I buy an hour of your time?

Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you. The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.


It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.


If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

Our Journey to Forever

Our Journey to Forever

June 28th, 2007 we found out that we were pregnant with our third child and ended up miscarrying all three times. This time was different . I had always taken my miscarriages hard, but this one was especially difficult. It seemed like God had opened the Heavens and answered all of our prayers in one simple little BFP. Four days later we found out that wasn’t the case and that we had lost another baby. I grieved harder for our lost blessing than I ever had before. John and I had already been talking about becoming foster parents with the hopes of adopting, but I couldn’t give that any thought. All I wanted to do was lay down and die. I didn’t understand how a God who loved me so much could allow me to hurt so badly.

At the beginning of 2007 we talked about adoption and said that if we hadn’t gotten pregnant by January 2008 that we would look into the PATH classes required for foster parents. By October I really started considering this opinion again. We had always said that we became parents when we were pregnant with Madison and just because we lost her didn’t mean that we weren’t parents. I knew that we both wanted to be “earth parents.” John was just there along for the ride because he didn’t want to hurt me. He didn’t want to pressure me into doing something I wasn’t ready for. We talked and talked and talked. We finally made the call and were sent our application packet. We filled it out and sent it back in.

Because Mom lived with us she had to attend classes with us. Looking back, I am so glad she did. Each week I took John to work and then she and I would pick him up from work. We all crowded into this tiny room with about 12 other couples. We all had the same goal – we wanted to help children. I was amazed how many young couples were in our class. Many of them had fertility issues as well. In the middle of our training our case worker (A) came out to meet with us and get us started in the home study process. All of our classmates were very surprised that things were happening so quickly for us because many hadn’t even heard from their worker yet and we’d already had two visits with ours. I remember our trainer telling us that they must have a placement in mind for us already.

We finished our classes and our home study about the same time. Our last class was February 26th. At this point our case worker had to really get in there and get down to business. They had to go back 5 years to do our background checks. Unfortunately, we had lived in GA for 6 months in 2003. She called Worth County who told them they couldn’t give her the info. I called them and they told me the same thing. She had spent weeks trying to get this info and here we were on the tail end of it. A came back out on March 3rd and told us that they still weren’t able to get the info but they had a placement in mind for us so she was going to try to get her supervisor to approve us anyway. She left telling me that she was going back to the office and would get us approved and would call me later that day. She hadn’t been gone 30 minutes by when she called me to tell me her supervisor was out of the office but she was still working on it. 15 minutes later she calls back to tell me she got another supervisor to sign off on it and we were approved. She tells me that Placement would be calling me shortly to talk to us about our placement.

Placement called me and told me that the boys had some behavior issues and that Sam was on medication for his behaviors. I found out later that week that it was so bad that both Sam and Landon got kicked out of daycare the Monday we were approved and we almost didn’t get the boys. I said tons of prayers and praise because I knew that God was in the middle of this. T, the boys case worker called me to talk to me. She also gave me Aunt Janet’s number so I could talk to her. Everyone told me that this was going to be an adoptive placement so if we weren’t interested in adopting we needed to speak up now. Of course we wanted to adopt. We were told that it would be an open and shut case because the birth parents were nowhere to be found and hadn’t seen or talked to the boys in forever. The boys had been in her care for the last year so she was a huge help. She talked to me for nearly an hour and then sent a huge packet with T when she dropped off the boys.

Friday, March 7th, 2008 our lives changed forever. T was supposed to show up at 10. She didn’t get here until close to 11. I was really starting to freak out. I remember sitting on BTB talking to Lauren waiting for them to arrive. I think my BTB sisters were as excited as I was. She finally shows up and knocks on the door “Are you Mrs. Eastman?” “Yes!” “I’m T and I have the boys with me.” It was at this point she unloaded the boys. Sam came in first “Are you my new Mommy? My Mommy Janet said we were getting a new mommy. Are you her?” (yes I melted and cried right then.) “Yes sweetheart, I am your new mommy.” About this time she brings in Landon and he’s not as excited to see me. He’s really snuggly with T. T hands him to me as she goes to unload a Walmart Super Center full of stuff into my living room. Did I mention how blessed my boys were? ;) I took the boys to show them their new room after they met Grammie. Mom set with them while we were filling out the paper work. We finished that and T left. She said she’d call me on Monday. I go back in the hallway where I immediately start to panic. This room that we had spent months preparing for our precious babies, was destroyed in less than 20 minutes. There wasn’t one toy in a box - everything was EVERYWHERE! Landon starts crying because he doesn’t know where he is. It’s at this point that I ask Mom what I’d gotten into. They gave me a couple hours before the bleeding started.

I don’t know how we survived the weekend. I thought for sure that they would kill me before it was over with. There was two of them…one of me… the odds weren’t pretty. Thanks to the help of Janet, we made it through. She talked to the boys a lot that weekend which helped calm Sam down. Then Sunday came… Rob and Janet brought another Walmart size shipment of everything under the sun into my living room. I remember thinking to myself “how do two little boys have so much stuff?” It seriously took me a week to get through it all.

We were finally able to get Sam into a good therapist, but not before we went through our share of bad ones. The first one we went to just let him play but didn’t interact with him at all. We’d waited months for this appointment and once we had it I left without another and “just call back when you feel like he needs to be seen.” I got out of there and called T “um, yeah this isn’t going to work.” So they set us up with an in home specialist that would be coming out once a week. He told me that he had never worked with children Sam’s age but we’d figure it out together. (Oh gee) He came for several weeks. He would sit on my couch and watch the boys play. So during this time I had to find things to do with the boys that would keep them entertained in the living room so that he could watch them. Problem, my boys looked at him as a jungle gym and wanted to climb all over him. He would tell me I was doing a good job and he didn’t know how to help me. (then will you kindly stop interrupting my week?) Did I mention the annoying little articles he would print out that had absolutely nothing useful in them? Yeah, we were back to square one again. Then we found Dr. E. She was the keeper! By this time both of them had calmed down a lot. She was able to give me tips and tricks to deal with phone calls from the birth parents.

Ah, yes, the birth parents! Did I mention they decided to be a part of their kids’ lives right after we got them? My kids had a total of 3-4 visits with them before they surrendered their rights (over the span of a year). We had weekly phone calls with them. Afterwards by boys acted like they did when they first got here. They were so mean to each other. They just couldn’t handle their security being disrupted again.

March 7th marked one year with our boys. It wasn’t until then that I could really look back and see how far we’ve come. We’ve had our ups and our downs. We sadly said goodbye to my mother (Grammie) right after Christmas. We had an awesome first Christmas together. I am so thankful she was here for it. December 28th we woke up. The boys played with and talked to Grammie while we all got ready for church. I talked to her for a while then got ready for church myself. We left and I called out to her as I always did “I love you Mama. I’ll see you when we get home from church.” We stopped to visit Aunt Flossie before we came home. I called Mom who didn’t answer not uncommon, but my heart sank after the second phone call. I flew home and John rushed in and told me that she was unconscious, but was breathing. He came out to get the boys out of the van and I rushed in. She wasn’t breathing. She was cold. We both started CPR and I called 911. They finally got here and worked on her for awhile before taking her to the hospital. John and the boys finally got to the hospital and we were taken to a room with my brother and were told she didn’t make it. That was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through as a person and as a family. Sam was so attached to his Grammie. She was his best friend. There was nowhere she could go that he wasn’t right there with her. We go to the grave yard often and take flowers when we go. I think it’s helped Sam. Landon will still ask to go the funeral home to see Grammie. That’s when it gets really hard. I gently hug him and tell him that Grammie’s body is in the grave but her spirit is in Heaven. He seems ok with that in the moment.
I never thought I would be here today having gone through the adoption that we both prayed for so long. They are legally mine now, but she’s not here to celebrate with. I can imagine the party that is going on in Heaven today, though. I know she’s up there watching over us and is smiling. I am so thankful to God for the blessings that this last year as brought me. If she can’t be here with me, I take comfort she is with my angel babies. I hope my kids will always remember their Grammie and how much she loved them!

April 2nd 2009, we adopted two of the most beautiful miracles. Sam and Landon became part of our forever ohana. I can’t believe it’s finally real. No one will come take them, they will really be here forever.

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