It's That Time of Year Again. :-(

Tomorrow, June 28th, is my birthday. It's supposed to be a happy day. Yet this year I am struggling to find it hard to be happy. June 28th 2007 I found out I was pregnant with Michael. I didn't find out until I was six weeks along. It was kind of a fluke that we found out. I started my period on my own on June 14th, something that almost never happens due to my PCOS. I had already taken a pregnancy test and it was negative. I had been taking Clomid that cycle so on the 28th I went in for my CD 13 ultrasound to see if I had any eggs. I had been spotting for two weeks and when I walked in the doctor told me that because of that I probably wouldn't be getting good news (meaning my hormones were probably too low for me to ovulate). She does the ultrasound and walks out. Normally she'd tell me how many eggs I have. She came back in and told me to get dressed and that she wanted to get some labs on me. This was nothing out of the ordinary. Joni, the beloved nurse who had seen me through many failed cycles, took my blood and said she'd call me back that afternoon with the results. She finally called me back and said something that I couldn't even understand. I asked her to repeat herself and she said "Well, you're pregnant!" I asked her how that could even be possible. She ended the conversation telling me my HCG (pregnancy test) numbers were low and that my progesterone was also low. I had to start injections and come back in on Monday. We told EVERYONE. We were so excited. I do not regret that decision because even though we'd already lost two other babies I knew that we would need the support of our family and friends if the worst did happen. Monday I went in and my numbers were zero. I was to stop the injections so I could complete the miscarriage. There was almost 4 years between my pregnancy with Eli and Michael. I was certain that God had blessed us and I still believe that He blessed us. No matter how the pregnancy ended, it was a blessing. Even for the sort time I knew I was pregnant. Without him, I wouldn't have my boys. We'd talked about foster care but hadn't planned on starting classes until January. Angel Michael helped his brothers find their way to us. Even though we've been blessed 3 times since Michael (and hopefully won't have to say goodbye to Princess) each of my children are still a big part of my life and my heart. Needless to say June 28th - July 2nd are very hard days for me. I usually try to take a weekend away, but that's not possible this year.

Tomorrow also marks another tragic event in my life. Tomorrow I'll go to the grave yard for probably the 50th time in 6 months. Six months ago, I heard my Mama say the last words she'll ever say to me on earth. "Goodbye, I love you too." I still struggle to understand how one can be so full of life one minute and gone 15 literal minutes later. I know WHY it happened while we were gone. I know she was waiting for us to leave so the boys or myself would find her. When I hold princess I still struggle with knowing that she will never get to impart all of the wisdom in her life that she imparted in mine. All of these things that I never thought I would have to do alone, I have to face alone. I had 26.5 wonderful years with my Mama. My boys only had 9 months with her. Princess will never get to do that. I often tell myself the reason that Mom died when she did was so she could help take care of Princess while she was still in Heaven. As strange as it sounds there are many things in Princess that make me see Mama in her.

Even though this sounds like a very depressing blog, and it is really, I am very thankful. I have a Mama who taught me to be the woman I am today. I am a better person for having her in my life. I have a husband who loves me, despite the fact that he makes me so mad I want to smack him sometimes. I have three beautiful angel babies, who have each made me a better person in the short time I was blessed to carry them. I have three "earth" children who prove to me each day how much God really does love me. Each day has its challenges, but each day has its blessings too. I am thankful for a God who looked down and seen how broken and hurt I was after losing my babies and decided to restore and mend my heart. There were times when I NEVER thought I would have earth children. Now I have three. I'm not sure how long I will be earth mom to three, but I am thankful for the amount of time HE allows me to care for and love my beautiful princess. My birthday wish is that each of you would go to your mom and tell her how much you love her. Time is too short to let petty little things get in the way. Give her two hugs...one from yourself and one from those of us who can't hug our mother anymore.

I must close for now. John is making my birthday cake. My aunt Flossie used to make a cake called Banana Split Cake. It has become a tradition that he always makes me one for my birthday. I must go steal a cherry. ;)