The Stuggles of a Woman Building Her Family Through Adoption

I have been dealing with this bout of jealousy all morning long. I know it's not right. I know I am extremely blessed. I have three beautiful children and I am very grateful for them. Most of the time I am perfectly happy with the way we've had to build our family, but then Satan starts attacking me and I start feeling sorry for myself and that is where I am today. I am hoping by writing this that I can get it all out and feel better. My niece is pregnant, isn't married and has no plans to get married in the future. This pregnancy was a birth control accident. She found out she was pregnant right after Mom made her journey to Heaven. For the longest time I was scared to death she'd have a girl. I told John the day of the funeral that if we ever had a girl that I wanted to name her after mom. I was afraid the baby was a girl that my niece would have the same idea. Petty? Yes, but I'm trying to deal with these feelings so that can move on. Then we were blessed with Princess and we found out she was having a boy. I was in the save zone.

Things settled down for a while until I got a phone call from my SIL three days ago telling me that she "forgot" to send me my invitation to the shower. The shower is today and I would really like to go and celebrate this baby because it's the right thing to do. I am stuck at home though because we still don't have the van fixed.

This brings me to my newest quest to feel sorry for myself. Baby showers! They are a grand and wonderful way to celebrate a baby, gifts aside. Then I started thinking about how I'll never be able to have a shower. The boys were too old and they came with almost everything under the sun that any child could hope for. They were so blessed with a great "foster" family and a wonderful church family so they pretty much moved in and took over. My house looked like Wal-mart the weekend they moved in. As a foster family, of course no one thinks about showers because these situations aren't supposed to be permanent. When Princess arrived, we had NOTHING for baby except some clothes that Mom and I bought while I was pregnant with Madison. The day we brought her home I was rushing around like a mad woman trying to get her meds. Our first outting was running to walmart (pushing two carts) to pick up a bassinet for her to sleep in. Everyone was laughing at us. It took us an hour and ten minutes to get out of that store. LOL One of my sisters blessed us with some bottles and an outfit and the other bought a pack of diapers and some wipes. About a week later our church blessed us with a gift basket the ladies of the church had put together. I am so grateful for everything. Still my heart longs for shower games, shower food, punch - the celebration! Now that we have boys and a girl, we have pretty much everything we need. It's petty and selfish because that is NOT what having children is all about.

Then I thought about how her mom is throwing the shower. Even if I did get pregnant and have a shower, my mom isn't here to do that for me. I miss her so much. I feel like my kids were robbed of really getting to know their Grammie. Princess (and our future children) will never even get to meet her on this earth. That makes me long for Heaven when I can see Mama again and my kids can see their Grammie. All in all I just need my mommy.

"Good-byes don't come easy when you must tell someone you love. And parting brings sorry and the time spent together never seems like enough. When she walked into the room she saw that look on (her) face. She knew this time had come and hoped it would be far away. When she took (her) by the hand, fighting back the tears right away (she) got that feeling angels were near. She heard (her) say, heard (her) say, "(Mommies) don't stay forever. That's what they always say. One day in life they make that journey. That time nobody knows. The bond we made will last forever, I give you my promise today - if you should ever just need your (mommy) I will be a memory away. I will be a memory away."