Oh where to start this post. Let's go back for a moment. Over the years I had always wondered about my Dad. I knew his name, where he worked, his wife's name and his oldest son's name. I knew he had 4 kids before I was born. The cool thing was that I made # 5 for both mom and dad. I really wanted to meet him, but I never wanted to do anything that would hurt mom or make her think that I was trying to say she didn't do a good job raising me. Years went by. I attempted to reach out right before my wedding, hoping that one day he'd want a relationship with me and would regret missing this. God had other plans though. Years went by and I still wondered where I came from. When we got involved in foster care, again this stirring in my soul rose and I wanted to find my Dad. As I fell in love with my children, again I wondered. I can say that I don't think there's been a day that's went by in the last 4 years that I haven't thought about and wondered what he was doing. When Mom passed away the stirring intensified. For the first time I felt like I could search without feeling guilty. The problem with this was that my fountain of information was no longer here. I took the minimal information I had and searched. I would search until it became too painful to continue. Then, I would put it out of my mind again.
Throughout the years I have had a sea of emotions. I wanted to meet my dad to build a relationship with him. I wanted to meet my siblings. At the same time I wondered why he had chosen to be a part of their lives and not mine. That led to feelings of shame and feeling like I wasn't good enough to be his daughter. I felt like there was something wrong with me or that I was unloveable. When I would share these feelings with a couple of close friends, their response was always the same, "His choices had nothing to do with you. You are a great person." Their words were kind and I should've taken heed of them, but I still couldn't resist the urge to question why.
A couple months ago I seen a preview for a movie called October Baby. I thought it looked like a nice Christian movie that I would one day like to see. Then a dear friend of mine e-mailed me about the movie and was asking everyone to try to see it opening weekend. I decided I would go see it. I couldn't find anyone to go see it with me so I made plans for John to stay home with the kids and I went to see it by myself. Let me make this clear, I had no real clue what this movie was about. I was simply going to see it to support Christian media.
I arrived at the movie and the theater was packed. I like to have a couple chairs free around me when I go, but there were so many people there this stranger set right next to me. I remember thinking that I should've waited to come when it would be less crowded. Then the movie started. There might have been 5-10 minutes of the whole movie that my eyes weren't filled with tears. The movie is about this girl who finds out that her birth mother tried to abort her while she was in the womb. The main character is the product of a failed abortion. The movie takes you through the emotional journey of her finding out she was adopted, then searching for her birth mom, finding her and getting rejected by her birth mom. The story is one of healing and forgiveness. I cried like a baby. Again, those feelings begin to resurface.
After the movie, I walked to the van and just prayed that God would open the doors for me to one day meet my dad. I asked God to work on his heart to make him receptive to me. One of the biggest concerns wasn't so much for his heart, or even mine. The hearts of my siblings were all I could think about. What would this to do them? How would they feel? If I were in their shoes how would I feel? At this point I still couldn't drive. I felt so shakey, if I'd driven home I would've had an accident. After sitting there and pouring out my heart to God for what seemed like an eternity, I felt God speak to me and tell me to go home and start searching again. God, I have done that before. I don't have the info to find him. The urging of the Holy Spirit continued to minister to my heart. My parents were both older (for the time I was born) when they had me. Losing Mom so early in my life made me realize just how fleeting life is. Despite the potential heart break, I knew I didn't want to spend the next 50-60 years with unanswered questions. I didn't want to wait until my only option of seeing him was to stand over his casket, knowing I could never have the answers because I was too afraid to go after them.
I got home and started searching again. I was certain I was about to do nothing more than break my heart. I searched for Dad....nothing....The brother, nope. Nothing there either. I went through pages of results and was finding nothing I considered useful. I had a constant conversation going on with God during these moments. Lord, you told me to do this so I will obey you. (Yes, I did.) When I started the next search for my brother and found nothing I said, God you know that I don't want to get my heart broken. (Yes, child. Keep going). Then I searched for the wife. At this point, I am so grateful that God, my Heavenly Father and Creator, holds me in His hands and understands my heart far better than I do. To anyone else I would've looked incredibly rude. It took a couple pages to find his wife. I was half-way down page 3 when I stopped and told God "This isn't funny. Why are you allowing me to experience so much pain. I will NEVER find him!" Then I stumbled on the words that made me new it was her. She had retired from the prison they (mom, dad and wife) had all worked at. I opened her profile and was greeted by all kinds of scripture. There were no pictures, though. I searched through her friends list. I searched for Dad and nothing. Then I searched for brother again. Nothing. This time I searched for his last name....Then it appeared, my brother's name. I clicked on his profile. I seen a picture of him and his wife on his wedding day. I sat there dumbfounded for the longest time. Then I looked through his relationships list. I seen two women listed as sisters. One whose maiden name was listed. Then I seen the other brother listed on one of their profiles. I was unsure how everyone fell. The same night I worked up the courage to contact the brother. He confirmed I had the right person, but I never heard from him after that. I think I contacted one of the sisters but never heard anything from her.
I was talking to a friend of mine who offered to help me search. I gave her the info I had and within 5 minutes she started sending me info. She sent me a link to an obituary for my uncle who had passed away in January. I was in tears over this info, sad I wouldn't get to meet him, but thrilled because I was one step closer. As I sat there flooded with emotion she sends me another message with an address and a phone number. Could this really be true???? I sat with the info for nearly a week before I called. I called on Friday evening after I drove to the gym, but there was no answer. I called the next day, but again there was no answer. I called back midday on Monday and finally B (wife) answered. I asked for Dad and she told me he was at work and wanted to know who I was. I figured if I told her that he'd never call me back so I told her I needed to speak to him directly and asked when would be a good time to call back. She told me and so I called back. I didn't get the warm welcome I had hoped for, but I didn't really expect that either. He asked for a month to think about things and asked me to call again. When I made that second phone call to him, I tried to remain grounded. I was scared he'd decided that he didn't wish to pursue a relationship with me. The answer I got was quite the opposite. He said he would meet with me and we made plans for me to call him at a later time to set up a meeting.
That meeting happened today. I got there an hour early. I waited and with each passing moment I felt like I was going to throw up. What if he didn't like me? What if this was the only time I'd ever see him. What if he didn't want to see me again? I worked myself into a needless stress headache. As I sat there 2:20 came. 2:26...2:30...He wasn't there. I was so sure he wasn't coming. I had my own little emotional hell on earth going on. No matter how bad I'd like to deny it, I have always desired the approval of my Dad. I have always wanted to know that he would be proud of the woman I've become. I have always been a stand-on-my-own-two-feet kind of person so this has been so hard for me.
He showed up only a couple minutes late. He brought his wife and one of his daughters with him. In a way I am glad he did. Most of you won't believe this, but I am actually quite shy when I meet new people. We all talked for nearly an hour. I listened more than I talked, because I was in awe of what was really happening. I felt like I was on the outside looking in and watching this beautiful thing come to pass. All of the dreams, prayers, hopes that I had all these years were playing out right before my eyes. I asked him if he was mad that I contacted him and he told me no. We talked about my 3 other siblings that weren't with him. We talked about some medical history stuff. As I listened to his voice I found myself wanting to capture everything that was happening in this moment. All of the questions I had didn't matter one little bit. All of the hurt, the fear, was gone. Then I showed him pictures of the kids. Then he asked if he could have a picture taken with me. This was a huge thing for me because I was hoping I could get one with him but unsure how to ask for one. My sister took a couple of pictures with my camera and then she took some with her own. It meant more than I could ever express to you to know that he cared enough to want a picture taken with me. Before he left he hugged me and told me to call him any time. I assured him that offer went both ways. He told me we could get together for dinner sometime in the near future if I wanted to. Then we all go into our vehicles and left.
I am so thankful that God has brought this man into my life. I am so thankful that God never gave up on me and continued to urge my heart when it wanted to quit. I am in awe how things played out. My search for him this time was no different than all the other times. The difference was that this was God's timing. Everything, while emotionally charged, came so easy. The last couple months have been one major emotional roller coaster, but every tear shed, every ounce of emotion was all worth it. I would do it all a million times over. I look forward to seeing Dad again and getting to know more about him. I look forward to eventually meeting more of my new family and building relationships with them. All of that will take time though.
One thing that I have learned from all of this is that God can bring healing to the most broken places. The past is the past for a reason. Is my father a perfect person? No, but neither am I. We all make mistakes. The questions are still there, but they are no longer important. Perhaps one day we will come to a point where he feels comfortable sharing more with me, but until the day comes that he does (if ever), I am just content in this moment. I am awe struck. I have a Daddy. One who cared enough to meet me. One who cared enough to want a picture with me. One who cared enough to embrace me and give me a hug. Today, he didn't slam the door in my face. He showed me love in the only way he knew how. I am so blessed.
BLESSED TO BE A BLESSING
16 years ago
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