Bad Guys

Landon: "but what if the bad guys shoot you?"
Sam: "They can't. I.'ve got God with me and I'm ready to roll!"

Open Adoptions

Our journey to forever has been different with Jewel-Anne. I feel different toward this girl more than I do the boys birth parents. Please don't get me wrong - there are times when I watch my daughter struggle with something that I want to find her and smack her for what she put my daughter through. Did she make the best choices? Obviously not! She is trying to make the right choices for our daughter now. Our birth mom has asked for an open adoption. My husband and I are having some really tough discussions right now and having to weigh the options that are best for our child. Do we want her to have contact? How much contact? What are the conditions? The ultimate question is what is best for our daughter?

The answers to these questions are different for each person, each child, each situation. The boys birth parents asked for contact. We told them that as long as they got their act together and didn't put our children in harms way we would be ok with some form of contact. Unfortunately things haven't worked out for that to happen. They are still in the cycle of blaming everyone else for their problems instead of taking responsibility for their actions. With Jewel-Anne, her birth mother seems to have realized that SHE is responsible for where she is in life and I think that makes a big difference. We still haven't had the judification trial so things are still in her court.

I will admit that I struggle with things. This journey isn't just difficult pre-adoption but also post-adoption. I want to sympathize with these parents. What would it be like to lose your child? What would I do if I were in their position? The truth of the matter is that these parents get more than enough time to get their act together. What about being Jesus to the world though? Again, what is best for my children? Right now it isn't best for either set to have contact, IMO. It's been almost 3 years since my boys entered custody and I doubt that they will ever be able to have a relationship with their birth parents. I hope that when they turn 18 and can make their own decisions that they make the right ones. I hope they don't buy into the lies of their birth parents. Jewel-Anne's mother seems to realize that she "can't" (i.e. isn't ready to) do what she needs to so she is making the decision that is best for her daughter.

These parents will always have my appreciation because no matter how screwed up they are - they are the reason I have my children. I pray that they will turn their lives over to Christ and experience the freedom that He gives. I am hoping that Birth Mom can become the person Christ has called her to be. I wish her the best because HE has called me to extend forgiveness. It's not easy but my anger will not hurt just her...it hurts me...most of all it hurts my daughter. I need to think clearly and not out of my own emotions.

(Can you tell I'm still all over the place?) If you are an adoptive/foster adoptive parent can you please share your experiences with open adoptions? Thanks!

A Long But Good Day

Each year we are required to complete a certain amount of training to be foster parents. When mom passed away we got behind in our training hours so now we have a ton of catching up to do. We took a class last Thursday and then we had one this morning.

We are NOT morning people. My kids sleep until 7-8 most mornings (sometimes later). Jewel-Anne would sleep longer if the boys weren't so loud. This morning we had to be up at 6. We got the kids ready and took them to my sisters. Landon stayed with Aunt Kathy and Jewel-Anne and Sam went to Aunt Cindy. They had a blast.

We finally get to our class. There were almost 30 people in the class. The class seemed to take forever. Everyone wanted to question the instructor (a former DCS worker) about problems they were having that were completely unrelated to class material. I try to understand where these people are coming from because I have a talker for a husband. I will give the instructor credit because he tried to get everyone to stay on topic.

We went to pick the kids up then we had lunch with my sister (Aunt Kathy). Landon dumped his soda all over himself and Aunt Kathy. Sam was very snuggly. I think he missed me. Jewel-Anne tried to eat everyone's food. She's such a big girl! It is so hard to believe that she's almost a year old.

I am so blessed. I have a husband who is such a great provider for his family. 3 years ago wondered if I'd ever have earth children. In one year's time we were blessed 3 beautiful children. I am so thankful for God "showing out" in ways that we never expected.

All three kids are sleeping so I'm going to go now. I am tired. John is getting ready to pull week of OT. Thankfully it's just for a week. I'm going to sleep time with him and then go to sleep.

Night all!

The next step

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows, like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well with my soul.

These lyrics (and others) have been going through my head for the past month. We are coming to a crossroads in our family life where we are having to make some major decisions. I have struggled with trusting God. I have become arrogant thinking that these decisions were mine (or mine and John's) to make when that is not the case at all. These decisions are the Lord's to make, for HE is the giver and taker of all.

When we got the boys we knew that they were an adoptive placement. They weren't eligible for adoption (and wouldn't be for another year) but DCS knew that the parents weren't going to get their act together. We were blessed and spoiled. Please don't get me wrong. The journey to forever was a very long, emotional one. Still we had the assurance that in the end they would be ours. We were listed to only take infants after the boys because of our house size. We figured we'd have a nice long break because EVERYONE wants infants. Little did we know what God had in store for us. A mere fortny days later we got the call about Jewel-Anne. We were so excited, but at the same time it was so emotional. I went through "post-partum" depression. I was scared to death that I would get attached and they would rip her from me. I remember sitting on the floor of the living room holding and rocking her and sobbing. I looked at John and asked him what we were thinking.

I have always gotten very attached to the kids I care for. I did when I was babysitting as a teenager and I do now. I was in love with my kids before I laid eyes on them. My husband and I were blessed with three precious angels who were taken back to Heaven sooner than we liked. I have had many people ask me "What are you going to do when you have to give them back? I always tell them the same thing. "I don't know, but I know I serve a God who is the Healer of broken hearts." That sounds good in theory but it's hard to live by sometimes. No one WANTS to get their heart broken. I have talked to our case worker about where to go from here. We have considered taking adoptive only placements, but those do not come by often. We would love to have another infant at some point and that would be nearly impossible with adoptive only on our file. I have talked to John and a dear friend of mine who just "graduated" from foster care. Her family is complete. She had to give one child back also. In hearing her story the term "Beauty for Ashes" came to my mind. She told me that God was working behind the scenes because in the midst of her grief of losing this child God blessed her with two more.

"The will of God won't lead you where the grace of God can't keep you." The Martins

This verse has been on my mind since my mom went to Heaven. Surely enough, HIS grace has carried me through valleys and trials that I didn't think I was strong enough to get through. Do you know what I found out? I wasn't strong enough to get through those trials. GOD was more than enough. GOD supplied all my needs. He was my El Shadi. He always looked out for me! When I wasn't strong enough HE was my strength. And you know what? My Bible tells me that HE is the same TODAY as he was yesterday. HE will be the same tomorrow! He has called us to this ministry and HE will see us through it. John and I have talked about it and we have decided to trust God and see where he takes us. We have been painting this weekend. The boys' room is almost finished. The nursery is ready for furniture. We will put the crib in there tonight (we have a twin bed if we need it).

"You may be scared to death, but I won't let you go..." 33 miles

I am asking all of my friends to keep us in your prayers as we take this next step. Please pray that God's will is done no matter what we want. I have always said that it's truly not about us. It's not about how we feel or what we think. Our mission is to help these kids know they are loved by us and that GOD cares for them. Sometimes we get selfish and self-absorbed. It is now time to renew our strength and ready ourselves for the next chapter in our lives. Thank you all for the love, prayers, and support you have given us for the last three years. It has carried us through more than even we know.

Lisa

Walk a Little Slower Daddy

Walk a little slower Daddy,
Said a little child so small.
I'm following in your footsteps,
And I do not want to fall.
Sometimes your steps are very fast,
Sometimes they're hard to see.
So, walk a little slower, Daddy,
For you are leading me.
Someday when I am all grown up,
You're what I want to be.
Then I will have a little child,
Who'll want to follow me.
And, I would want to lead just right,
And, I'd know that I was true.
So, walk a little slower Daddy.
For I must follow you.
--Unknown Author

The Stuggles of a Woman Building Her Family Through Adoption

I have been dealing with this bout of jealousy all morning long. I know it's not right. I know I am extremely blessed. I have three beautiful children and I am very grateful for them. Most of the time I am perfectly happy with the way we've had to build our family, but then Satan starts attacking me and I start feeling sorry for myself and that is where I am today. I am hoping by writing this that I can get it all out and feel better. My niece is pregnant, isn't married and has no plans to get married in the future. This pregnancy was a birth control accident. She found out she was pregnant right after Mom made her journey to Heaven. For the longest time I was scared to death she'd have a girl. I told John the day of the funeral that if we ever had a girl that I wanted to name her after mom. I was afraid the baby was a girl that my niece would have the same idea. Petty? Yes, but I'm trying to deal with these feelings so that can move on. Then we were blessed with Princess and we found out she was having a boy. I was in the save zone.

Things settled down for a while until I got a phone call from my SIL three days ago telling me that she "forgot" to send me my invitation to the shower. The shower is today and I would really like to go and celebrate this baby because it's the right thing to do. I am stuck at home though because we still don't have the van fixed.

This brings me to my newest quest to feel sorry for myself. Baby showers! They are a grand and wonderful way to celebrate a baby, gifts aside. Then I started thinking about how I'll never be able to have a shower. The boys were too old and they came with almost everything under the sun that any child could hope for. They were so blessed with a great "foster" family and a wonderful church family so they pretty much moved in and took over. My house looked like Wal-mart the weekend they moved in. As a foster family, of course no one thinks about showers because these situations aren't supposed to be permanent. When Princess arrived, we had NOTHING for baby except some clothes that Mom and I bought while I was pregnant with Madison. The day we brought her home I was rushing around like a mad woman trying to get her meds. Our first outting was running to walmart (pushing two carts) to pick up a bassinet for her to sleep in. Everyone was laughing at us. It took us an hour and ten minutes to get out of that store. LOL One of my sisters blessed us with some bottles and an outfit and the other bought a pack of diapers and some wipes. About a week later our church blessed us with a gift basket the ladies of the church had put together. I am so grateful for everything. Still my heart longs for shower games, shower food, punch - the celebration! Now that we have boys and a girl, we have pretty much everything we need. It's petty and selfish because that is NOT what having children is all about.

Then I thought about how her mom is throwing the shower. Even if I did get pregnant and have a shower, my mom isn't here to do that for me. I miss her so much. I feel like my kids were robbed of really getting to know their Grammie. Princess (and our future children) will never even get to meet her on this earth. That makes me long for Heaven when I can see Mama again and my kids can see their Grammie. All in all I just need my mommy.

"Good-byes don't come easy when you must tell someone you love. And parting brings sorry and the time spent together never seems like enough. When she walked into the room she saw that look on (her) face. She knew this time had come and hoped it would be far away. When she took (her) by the hand, fighting back the tears right away (she) got that feeling angels were near. She heard (her) say, heard (her) say, "(Mommies) don't stay forever. That's what they always say. One day in life they make that journey. That time nobody knows. The bond we made will last forever, I give you my promise today - if you should ever just need your (mommy) I will be a memory away. I will be a memory away."

It's That Time of Year Again. :-(

Tomorrow, June 28th, is my birthday. It's supposed to be a happy day. Yet this year I am struggling to find it hard to be happy. June 28th 2007 I found out I was pregnant with Michael. I didn't find out until I was six weeks along. It was kind of a fluke that we found out. I started my period on my own on June 14th, something that almost never happens due to my PCOS. I had already taken a pregnancy test and it was negative. I had been taking Clomid that cycle so on the 28th I went in for my CD 13 ultrasound to see if I had any eggs. I had been spotting for two weeks and when I walked in the doctor told me that because of that I probably wouldn't be getting good news (meaning my hormones were probably too low for me to ovulate). She does the ultrasound and walks out. Normally she'd tell me how many eggs I have. She came back in and told me to get dressed and that she wanted to get some labs on me. This was nothing out of the ordinary. Joni, the beloved nurse who had seen me through many failed cycles, took my blood and said she'd call me back that afternoon with the results. She finally called me back and said something that I couldn't even understand. I asked her to repeat herself and she said "Well, you're pregnant!" I asked her how that could even be possible. She ended the conversation telling me my HCG (pregnancy test) numbers were low and that my progesterone was also low. I had to start injections and come back in on Monday. We told EVERYONE. We were so excited. I do not regret that decision because even though we'd already lost two other babies I knew that we would need the support of our family and friends if the worst did happen. Monday I went in and my numbers were zero. I was to stop the injections so I could complete the miscarriage. There was almost 4 years between my pregnancy with Eli and Michael. I was certain that God had blessed us and I still believe that He blessed us. No matter how the pregnancy ended, it was a blessing. Even for the sort time I knew I was pregnant. Without him, I wouldn't have my boys. We'd talked about foster care but hadn't planned on starting classes until January. Angel Michael helped his brothers find their way to us. Even though we've been blessed 3 times since Michael (and hopefully won't have to say goodbye to Princess) each of my children are still a big part of my life and my heart. Needless to say June 28th - July 2nd are very hard days for me. I usually try to take a weekend away, but that's not possible this year.

Tomorrow also marks another tragic event in my life. Tomorrow I'll go to the grave yard for probably the 50th time in 6 months. Six months ago, I heard my Mama say the last words she'll ever say to me on earth. "Goodbye, I love you too." I still struggle to understand how one can be so full of life one minute and gone 15 literal minutes later. I know WHY it happened while we were gone. I know she was waiting for us to leave so the boys or myself would find her. When I hold princess I still struggle with knowing that she will never get to impart all of the wisdom in her life that she imparted in mine. All of these things that I never thought I would have to do alone, I have to face alone. I had 26.5 wonderful years with my Mama. My boys only had 9 months with her. Princess will never get to do that. I often tell myself the reason that Mom died when she did was so she could help take care of Princess while she was still in Heaven. As strange as it sounds there are many things in Princess that make me see Mama in her.

Even though this sounds like a very depressing blog, and it is really, I am very thankful. I have a Mama who taught me to be the woman I am today. I am a better person for having her in my life. I have a husband who loves me, despite the fact that he makes me so mad I want to smack him sometimes. I have three beautiful angel babies, who have each made me a better person in the short time I was blessed to carry them. I have three "earth" children who prove to me each day how much God really does love me. Each day has its challenges, but each day has its blessings too. I am thankful for a God who looked down and seen how broken and hurt I was after losing my babies and decided to restore and mend my heart. There were times when I NEVER thought I would have earth children. Now I have three. I'm not sure how long I will be earth mom to three, but I am thankful for the amount of time HE allows me to care for and love my beautiful princess. My birthday wish is that each of you would go to your mom and tell her how much you love her. Time is too short to let petty little things get in the way. Give her two hugs...one from yourself and one from those of us who can't hug our mother anymore.

I must close for now. John is making my birthday cake. My aunt Flossie used to make a cake called Banana Split Cake. It has become a tradition that he always makes me one for my birthday. I must go steal a cherry. ;)