Candidly Speaking

I need to speak candidly for a moment. I need to share my heart and this my page so I have that right. I realize that God has called us to the uikollpnique position of being foster parents. My kids were delivered through another woman's body. The act of creation wasn't between myself and my husband but that another couple. HOWEVER, I can look at my children (ALL OF THEM) and see pieces of my husband, myself and our family in each child. I know, without a doubt that these children were meant to be ours and before they were born God had chosen us to be their mommy and daddy.

However, I am slowly learning that there are people that I can't confide in. There are people that I can't share my beliefs with. I realize that I am "carrying" another woman's child. The Christ within me recognizes that people deserve a second chance. God bless them. However, the Bible also is very clear about how God feels about child abusers. I believe he is loving and forgiving toward them if they seek repentance from HIM and also that child. However, if they don't I also believe there is a special, extra warm place for them in hell.

I have been in the position of giving up a child before. Some of you who have known me a long time have heard me share my story about DeShaun. Granted, it wasn't an adoption situation and I was just the "babysitter." I had that child more than his own Mama for the first 5 years of his life. When he started school I still had him on the weekends. There came a point where his mother started to become a better mother and took interest in her child. I was so thankful because if he was going to live with her that is what she needed to do. However, there was a point where she wouldn't even pick up her child for three weeks at a time. I loved him with wreckless abandoned because I don't know how to love any other way. I gave him what he needed and I don't regret it.

With all of that being said...NO ONE knows the whole story of my children and no one knows what is best for them except God. The experience I have had with birth parents (including D's mom) is that children are more of a "trophy" for them. No matter how much they screw up at least their kids are awesome kids. It's the one thing they did right. I get that, but that is so incredibly selfish. I realize some people would say that is exactly what I am being by wanting to take these kids. Yes, you are right...but the kids are getting what they need. I know without a doubt that I am what is best for 3/4 of my kids and I believe I am what is best for MM too. If I didn't I wouldn't be doing this. My Father is the only one who knows what the future holds. The birth parents I have worked with have no concern for their kids until they get in front of the judge. Then they want to play parent of the year. So is the life.

You can feel about me how you will. Think what you will. I went through this with the boys and Jewel-Anne. I was called many unkind things for wanting to adopt these children because they "belonged" to their birth parents. Unless you have been a foster parent you do no know what is like to have my life. You don't know what it's like to have absolutely no certainty whether someone is going to come in and take your kids when YOU did nothing wrong. You love and you give all that you have and yet it's always in the back of your mind.

I once read something about birth parents that said that WE (the FP, dept, anyone in DCS's authority) don't have to tell the birth parents what they did wrong because THEY know that they have done wrong whether they admit it or not. I petition to you (my non foster parent friends) to realize that you don't have to tell us (foster parents) that we will get our hearts broken, that these are not our kids, maybe they would be better off with their birth parents, etc. When we signed up to be foster parents we knew the risks. We knew that we could get our hearts broken. We do NOT need a constant reminder. I also challenge you to understand that there are details that cannot be shared so for someone to make comments about the birth parents being best for the children, you wouldn't make that assumption if you knew what we knew. These comments are hurtful. I have had people tell me "going HOME is what is best for these children." FINALLY WE AGREE ON SOMETHING! You are absolutely right! I couldn't agree with you more. HOME is the best place for them. My children ARE home!

When I have asked people to pray for our current situation I haven't asked you to do anything you aren't comfortable. I haven't asked you to pray we get to keep MM, but simply that God would protect her. And I know he will. I have had a few days to process and gather myself. I realize that GOD is in control. I have a deep peace about the situation now. This happened with each one of our kids. They "almost" went home. BUT GOD!! GOD knows what is best. "For I know the plans I have for you..." "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." He wrote the life plans. He knows the plans he has for HIS DAUGHTER! He knew that she would come into our lives. I have to live my life believing that this will last a lifetime. That's what HOPE is. That is what FAITH is! I understand this line of thinking isn't for everyone, but it's all I know.

So again I ask, those of you who feel led to pray - we appreciate it. I KNOW that it's the prayers of God's saints that has brought us this far. Please pray as the Holy Spirit guides you. WE are praying that we get to keep her. I am not asking that of you though. If you don't feel led to pray that way then please don't. If you think we're crazy and don't wish to pray for us at all that is fine too. All I am asking is that you be sensitive in your speech and actions to us (and those like us) who have been called to do one of the hardest things in life. Thank you.

Side note: This was not "birthed" from one person's comments but the comments of a few people.

Side note 2: I realize there are some awesome birth parents out there who knew from the moment of conception that they weren't ready to be parents. There are those who tried and couldn't make it and willing gave their children to loving couples who could carry their children for them. My hat is off to you a million times over. I also want to acknowledge that there are birth parents who get their children taken away and that alone is enough to wake them up and make them get their life straight. Again, my hat is off to you. You are one of the elite of DCS families. I praise GOD that you did what was best for your child. There are way too many selfish birth parents out there who put many things above their children. YOU are not who I am talking about. I have never had the privilege of working with someone like you. I would like to think that I would feel differently, just as I did with DeShaun. As foster parents we love these children like our own. We fill your shoes when you can't. We want what is best for these children. Our hearts may break when they leave, but we rejoice with you in your success.

He's Sending Miracles Down Our Way

Thursday, March 11, 2010 we got another surprise of our lives. Once again we defied the odds and received another infant placement. Our future with Minnie Mouse is uncertain, but we are standing in faith and praying that this is going to be forever.

Thursday I decided to stay home with the kids because we had our case worker coming out that morning. I usually drive John to work just in case something happens so I would be able to get places if need be. John and I had been joking that week that the day I finally decided to stay home and rest that we would get "the call" because that is exactly how things happened with Jewel-Anne. The case worker finally arrived and she did her thing. She always stays to talk a bit. Walking into my house is like walking into the circus. You won't get out quickly because you just HAVE to hold the baby and the boys HAVE to give hugs and talk your ear off. Before she left I told her that she needed to work on getting us a placement on day 40 post adoption because it was exactly 40 days after the boys adoption that we got the call for Jewel-Anne. She laughed and left.

The kids and I went about our day. This was an overtime night for John. We had just finished dinner and the boys were watching Mulan (the current disney fav in this house) when I received a phone call from a cell number I didn't recognize. I answered the phone with that "Who are you and why are you calling me" hello. The lady answered and said "Hello, this is A. I was wondering if you were up for another baby." It was our case worker. The Dept had very little information on the baby. A told me she was a year old, gave me her name and said that the on call case worker would call. I asked her to give me a couple minutes to ask John. I knew it would be ok, but I didn't want to just be like "Surprise honey we have another baby!" when he came home from work. He didn't answer so I called her back and told her we would take Minnie Mouse. John finally called me back and then rushed home. I told him to cancel his OT but he came home an hour early anyway. Both John and Minnie Mouse arrived about 30 seconds apart.

John took the kids into the boys room while we filled out paper work. MM sat on a blanket in the floor and I made the comment that she was moving around good for a year old. The case worker told me she was only 8 months. She asked me if that would be a problem. Um, like I'm going to turn down this blessing?? Of course it wasn't a problem. Once the case worker left John let the boys out. They spent a couple minutes with her and then I made them go into the hallway where they could see her. We put Jewel-Anne in the floor. They stared at each other for a couple minutes. Jewel-Anne seen the paci laying next to MM so she crawls over, spits her paci out and pops MM's paci in her mouth and sits up to stare at her again. About 3 minutes later Jewel-Anne crawled on top of her and that was the end of the peacefulness in my house! LOL MM was crying and then Jewel-Anne started crying. Sam didn't go to sleep at all that night. By 5:00 he had woke Landon and by 5:30 Landon was crawling into the crib with MM. It was a long day.

Today was my first day with all 4 by myself and it was a little crazy. We're still trying to get into a routine. I have decided we're having spring break this week while we get adjusted. The boys are completely in love. They take turns showering the girls with attention. Jewel-Anne absolutely loves her. I was sure we would have a problem because she has been the baby all of her life and she doesn't like sharing Mama with anyone, but she's doing great.

Today's challenge was giving the girls a bath. Sam had therapy this morning so they didn't get one before John left. The girls screamed for 45 minutes while I bathed and dressed them. I gave Jewel-Anne her bath first and MM screamed. MM doesn't like her bath but the boys put toys in her bath so she calmed down until I washed her hair. The screaming continued.

I was finally able to get them settled so I could rock Jewel-Anne to sleep. I got her to sleep and laid her on the blanket next to me and rocked MM to sleep. She fell asleep and I called my sister to brag about my accomplishment (something I would normally do with mom but that's not possible now). I hadn't much more than gotten off the phone until Jewel-Anne set straight up. Once she noticed MM was asleep she started trying to tickle MM's feet to wake her up! LOL

We got Jewel-Anne's first case worker back. I really like him. He spent a few minutes here. He tried to hold each of the girls and both of them screamed when took them from me. He told me I already had MM spoiled. She didn't cry when she first got her. She wouldn't cry when she was hungry, dirty, or sleepy. She still doesn't cry like she should, but Jewel-Anne is teaching her how to properly pitch a fit! (Anyone have a spare set of ear plugs?)

So now we wait. We already love this child. We are praying and standing in faith that we get to keep her. We only ask that if you feel led, please stand in faith with us and pray that she gets to stay forever. We truly do want God's will for her and if it's not us then God will heal our hearts, but we are expecting miracles!

Lisa

Open Adoptions

Our journey to forever has been different with Jewel-Anne. I feel different toward this girl more than I do the boys birth parents. Please don't get me wrong - there are times when I watch my daughter struggle with something that I want to find her and smack her for what she put my daughter through. Did she make the best choices? Obviously not! She is trying to make the right choices for our daughter now. Our birth mom has asked for an open adoption. My husband and I are having some really tough discussions right now and having to weigh the options that are best for our child. Do we want her to have contact? How much contact? What are the conditions? The ultimate question is what is best for our daughter?

The answers to these questions are different for each person, each child, each situation. The boys birth parents asked for contact. We told them that as long as they got their act together and didn't put our children in harms way we would be ok with some form of contact. Unfortunately things haven't worked out for that to happen. They are still in the cycle of blaming everyone else for their problems instead of taking responsibility for their actions. With Jewel-Anne, her birth mother seems to have realized that SHE is responsible for where she is in life and I think that makes a big difference. We still haven't had the judification trial so things are still in her court.

I will admit that I struggle with things. This journey isn't just difficult pre-adoption but also post-adoption. I want to sympathize with these parents. What would it be like to lose your child? What would I do if I were in their position? The truth of the matter is that these parents get more than enough time to get their act together. What about being Jesus to the world though? Again, what is best for my children? Right now it isn't best for either set to have contact, IMO. It's been almost 3 years since my boys entered custody and I doubt that they will ever be able to have a relationship with their birth parents. I hope that when they turn 18 and can make their own decisions that they make the right ones. I hope they don't buy into the lies of their birth parents. Jewel-Anne's mother seems to realize that she "can't" (i.e. isn't ready to) do what she needs to so she is making the decision that is best for her daughter.

These parents will always have my appreciation because no matter how screwed up they are - they are the reason I have my children. I pray that they will turn their lives over to Christ and experience the freedom that He gives. I am hoping that Birth Mom can become the person Christ has called her to be. I wish her the best because HE has called me to extend forgiveness. It's not easy but my anger will not hurt just her...it hurts me...most of all it hurts my daughter. I need to think clearly and not out of my own emotions.

(Can you tell I'm still all over the place?) If you are an adoptive/foster adoptive parent can you please share your experiences with open adoptions? Thanks!