A Miracle in the Making

Oh where to start this post. Let's go back for a moment. Over the years I had always wondered about my Dad. I knew his name, where he worked, his wife's name and his oldest son's name. I knew he had 4 kids before I was born. The cool thing was that I made # 5 for both mom and dad. I really wanted to meet him, but I never wanted to do anything that would hurt mom or make her think that I was trying to say she didn't do a good job raising me. Years went by. I attempted to reach out right before my wedding, hoping that one day he'd want a relationship with me and would regret missing this. God had other plans though. Years went by and I still wondered where I came from. When we got involved in foster care, again this stirring in my soul rose and I wanted to find my Dad. As I fell in love with my children, again I wondered. I can say that I don't think there's been a day that's went by in the last 4 years that I haven't thought about and wondered what he was doing. When Mom passed away the stirring intensified. For the first time I felt like I could search without feeling guilty. The problem with this was that my fountain of information was no longer here. I took the minimal information I had and searched. I would search until it became too painful to continue. Then, I would put it out of my mind again.


Throughout the years I have had a sea of emotions. I wanted to meet my dad to build a relationship with him. I wanted to meet my siblings. At the same time I wondered why he had chosen to be a part of their lives and not mine. That led to feelings of shame and feeling like I wasn't good enough to be his daughter. I felt like there was something wrong with me or that I was unloveable. When I would share these feelings with a couple of close friends, their response was always the same, "His choices had nothing to do with you. You are a great person." Their words were kind and I should've taken heed of them, but I still couldn't resist the urge to question why.


A couple months ago I seen a preview for a movie called October Baby. I thought it looked like a nice Christian movie that I would one day like to see. Then a dear friend of mine e-mailed me about the movie and was asking everyone to try to see it opening weekend. I decided I would go see it. I couldn't find anyone to go see it with me so I made plans for John to stay home with the kids and I went to see it by myself. Let me make this clear, I had no real clue what this movie was about. I was simply going to see it to support Christian media.


I arrived at the movie and the theater was packed. I like to have a couple chairs free around me when I go, but there were so many people there this stranger set right next to me. I remember thinking that I should've waited to come when it would be less crowded. Then the movie started. There might have been 5-10 minutes of the whole movie that my eyes weren't filled with tears. The movie is about this girl who finds out that her birth mother tried to abort her while she was in the womb. The main character is the product of a failed abortion. The movie takes you through the emotional journey of her finding out she was adopted, then searching for her birth mom, finding her and getting rejected by her birth mom. The story is one of healing and forgiveness. I cried like a baby. Again, those feelings begin to resurface.


After the movie, I walked to the van and just prayed that God would open the doors for me to one day meet my dad. I asked God to work on his heart to make him receptive to me. One of the biggest concerns wasn't so much for his heart, or even mine. The hearts of my siblings were all I could think about. What would this to do them? How would they feel? If I were in their shoes how would I feel? At this point I still couldn't drive. I felt so shakey, if I'd driven home I would've had an accident. After sitting there and pouring out my heart to God for what seemed like an eternity, I felt God speak to me and tell me to go home and start searching again. God, I have done that before. I don't have the info to find him. The urging of the Holy Spirit continued to minister to my heart. My parents were both older (for the time I was born) when they had me. Losing Mom so early in my life made me realize just how fleeting life is. Despite the potential heart break, I knew I didn't want to spend the next 50-60 years with unanswered questions. I didn't want to wait until my only option of seeing him was to stand over his casket, knowing I could never have the answers because I was too afraid to go after them.



I got home and started searching again. I was certain I was about to do nothing more than break my heart. I searched for Dad....nothing....The brother, nope. Nothing there either. I went through pages of results and was finding nothing I considered useful. I had a constant conversation going on with God during these moments. Lord, you told me to do this so I will obey you. (Yes, I did.) When I started the next search for my brother and found nothing I said, God you know that I don't want to get my heart broken. (Yes, child. Keep going). Then I searched for the wife. At this point, I am so grateful that God, my Heavenly Father and Creator, holds me in His hands and understands my heart far better than I do. To anyone else I would've looked incredibly rude. It took a couple pages to find his wife. I was half-way down page 3 when I stopped and told God "This isn't funny. Why are you allowing me to experience so much pain. I will NEVER find him!" Then I stumbled on the words that made me new it was her. She had retired from the prison they (mom, dad and wife) had all worked at. I opened her profile and was greeted by all kinds of scripture. There were no pictures, though. I searched through her friends list. I searched for Dad and nothing. Then I searched for brother again. Nothing. This time I searched for his last name....Then it appeared, my brother's name. I clicked on his profile. I seen a picture of him and his wife on his wedding day. I sat there dumbfounded for the longest time. Then I looked through his relationships list. I seen two women listed as sisters. One whose maiden name was listed. Then I seen the other brother listed on one of their profiles. I was unsure how everyone fell. The same night I worked up the courage to contact the brother. He confirmed I had the right person, but I never heard from him after that. I think I contacted one of the sisters but never heard anything from her.


I was talking to a friend of mine who offered to help me search. I gave her the info I had and within 5 minutes she started sending me info. She sent me a link to an obituary for my uncle who had passed away in January. I was in tears over this info, sad I wouldn't get to meet him, but thrilled because I was one step closer. As I sat there flooded with emotion she sends me another message with an address and a phone number. Could this really be true???? I sat with the info for nearly a week before I called. I called on Friday evening after I drove to the gym, but there was no answer. I called the next day, but again there was no answer. I called back midday on Monday and finally B (wife) answered. I asked for Dad and she told me he was at work and wanted to know who I was. I figured if I told her that he'd never call me back so I told her I needed to speak to him directly and asked when would be a good time to call back. She told me and so I called back. I didn't get the warm welcome I had hoped for, but I didn't really expect that either. He asked for a month to think about things and asked me to call again. When I made that second phone call to him, I tried to remain grounded. I was scared he'd decided that he didn't wish to pursue a relationship with me. The answer I got was quite the opposite. He said he would meet with me and we made plans for me to call him at a later time to set up a meeting.


That meeting happened today. I got there an hour early. I waited and with each passing moment I felt like I was going to throw up. What if he didn't like me? What if this was the only time I'd ever see him. What if he didn't want to see me again? I worked myself into a needless stress headache. As I sat there 2:20 came. 2:26...2:30...He wasn't there. I was so sure he wasn't coming. I had my own little emotional hell on earth going on. No matter how bad I'd like to deny it, I have always desired the approval of my Dad. I have always wanted to know that he would be proud of the woman I've become. I have always been a stand-on-my-own-two-feet kind of person so this has been so hard for me.


He showed up only a couple minutes late. He brought his wife and one of his daughters with him. In a way I am glad he did. Most of you won't believe this, but I am actually quite shy when I meet new people. We all talked for nearly an hour. I listened more than I talked, because I was in awe of what was really happening. I felt like I was on the outside looking in and watching this beautiful thing come to pass. All of the dreams, prayers, hopes that I had all these years were playing out right before my eyes. I asked him if he was mad that I contacted him and he told me no. We talked about my 3 other siblings that weren't with him. We talked about some medical history stuff. As I listened to his voice I found myself wanting to capture everything that was happening in this moment. All of the questions I had didn't matter one little bit. All of the hurt, the fear, was gone. Then I showed him pictures of the kids. Then he asked if he could have a picture taken with me. This was a huge thing for me because I was hoping I could get one with him but unsure how to ask for one. My sister took a couple of pictures with my camera and then she took some with her own. It meant more than I could ever express to you to know that he cared enough to want a picture taken with me. Before he left he hugged me and told me to call him any time. I assured him that offer went both ways. He told me we could get together for dinner sometime in the near future if I wanted to. Then we all go into our vehicles and left.


I am so thankful that God has brought this man into my life. I am so thankful that God never gave up on me and continued to urge my heart when it wanted to quit. I am in awe how things played out. My search for him this time was no different than all the other times. The difference was that this was God's timing. Everything, while emotionally charged, came so easy. The last couple months have been one major emotional roller coaster, but every tear shed, every ounce of emotion was all worth it. I would do it all a million times over. I look forward to seeing Dad again and getting to know more about him. I look forward to eventually meeting more of my new family and building relationships with them. All of that will take time though.


One thing that I have learned from all of this is that God can bring healing to the most broken places. The past is the past for a reason. Is my father a perfect person? No, but neither am I. We all make mistakes. The questions are still there, but they are no longer important. Perhaps one day we will come to a point where he feels comfortable sharing more with me, but until the day comes that he does (if ever), I am just content in this moment. I am awe struck. I have a Daddy. One who cared enough to meet me. One who cared enough to want a picture with me. One who cared enough to embrace me and give me a hug. Today, he didn't slam the door in my face. He showed me love in the only way he knew how. I am so blessed.

Forever and a Birthday

Three years ago today my life changed forever. It was the very first major thing our family celebrated since Mom had died. It was such a bitter sweet day. I spent the whole morning crying about what all she was missing. I tried to not be mad at her, but part of me was very angry that she decided to leave (like she really had control of it!) when all of this important stuff was going on.

As I walked into the court house I regained composer. I didn't want the boys to think I was upset with them. We waited for the longest while then it was our turn. We walked into the Judge's chambers. This judge was very cold. At one point I wondered if he was really going to grant our adoption or not. He did, though, and then gave the boys candy. Everyone said their congrats, we got our paperwork and then we left.

Today is not only the day that we celebrate our Forever Family anniversary, but it's also Landon's birthday. My baby who was only a year old when he came to us turns 6 today. The time really does fly. I am so happy God chose me to be his Mama. He is funny, smart, stubborn and so loving. I am so blessed.

Today always leaves me thinking back to the day when these two little fire crackers came crashing through the door of my life. "Are you my new mom?" my then 3 year old Sam asks. "Yes, I am!" I said with tears in my eyes. "Where is my new room and new toys??" Through the good days, bad ones and the inbetween I am so blessed to be chosen by God to be their mama.

Dear Sam and Landon,

I can't believe it's been 4 years since God blessed me with you two. We have been through so much during that time. Grammie is watching over you today and always. She is so proud of the young men you've become. You guys are amazing. You make my world a better place. I pray that you will one day know just how much I love you. Now let's go to the park! ;-)

Love,

Mama

Saying Goodbye to an Angel

Home By Nicol Sponberg

What is it like to be to be held in the same arms that hold the universe
What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of Heaven and earth
When you open your eyes and look on the face of the Giver of Life
The Author of Grace...Do you know

Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home

What is it like to breathe in and breathe out... Heaven's Glorious Light
What is it to be robed in perfection... no reason to cry
When you feel on your face your Father's kiss...His welcome embrace
We prayed for this...You should know

Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home

So twinkle, twinkle little star
We will keep you in our hearts
Twinkle, twinkle little star
We will meet you where you are.

Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home

There is something so wrong with a parent burying their child. It is so unnatural and just WRONG! It hurt to bury my mama, but I always knew I would. She had lived her life. It hurt like I never imagined, but this is completely different. It was so cold outside. I didn't want to leave him. As a Christian I know that he's not in this earthly vessel anymore. Try telling that to my mama's heart. My life has changed over the years. We didn't bury our other children. The guilt I've carried from that I would never wish on anyone. We knew we wanted to make sure we didn't repeat those same mistakes.

Jeremiah's funeral was attended by only two. John dug his spot while I stood there and just cried. The kids napped in the car while we held his life celebration. I would've stood there forever if I could've. I'm his mama. I should be with him. John told me I had to leave because my living children needed me. I totally understand that. In a perfect world I would have all of my children with me. The greatest heartbreak is when you have earth blessings and angels. You feel so pulled between both of them. Obviously, God has plans for me so I must stay here...my heart feels torn into. I want to be here and raise my kids but I want to be with Jeremiah and my angels also. When I think of Jeremiah I see Isaiah. Isaiah is a total mama's boy. He loves his daddy, but there's nothing like mama. I am thankful Grammie is there to hold Jeremiah, but that is my job.

Last night we told the boys about Jeremiah. Most don't agree and that is fine. This is our family and this is how we chose to handle things. They knew we had "Jesus Babies" before we got them. Sam understands that his brother's short life was a blessing. Landon is mad. He doesn't understand. To be honest with you I understand how he feels. I haven't hit the anger stage of grief yet, but I am definitely in the hurting/questioning why stage.

No matter how we hurt or grieve, we still believe in the goodness of God. Jeremiah's life was a good thing. We love him. He is ours and will be forever. It seem like forever until we will see each other again, but on the other side of this life I will see how short this life really was. I miss him. I long to hold him again. Even if I had known how short our time together would be, I would do it all over again. He is such a blessing to us. We love you Jeremiah.

For those who are reading this who know us, I have but one request. It terrifies me to know that he will never be spoken of. I understand how you may feel. For us though, I WANT to talk about him. I want others to talk about him. Please don't act like he didn't exist. John and I will spend the rest of our lives missing him...see visions of what he would've been, what he would do..would he be a Mama's boy? Daddy's little man? The play dates that won't happen...the wedding that will never be. I'll never get to see his babies. I will never get to dance with him at his wedding. I know this isn't easy for you, but it's not easy for us either. If you really want to help us then help us keep his memory alive.

My sweet, sweet Jeremiah, Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know. Our hearts ache because we must be separated from you for a time. We will always remember you. We will carry you with us forever.


"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
~Unknown

Jeremiah Daniel

DISCLAIMER: This blog will be very graphic, emotionally and physically. You have been warned.

Hug Him Once For Me By Erin McClure

I asked You Lord You answered, a little one You gave
The hardest part I never knew was that little one You'd take
But Lord I trust You now, I know that You are good
And Jesus I was wondering if You would...

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too

Waiting here right now Lord seems so hard to do
Longing just to hold him like other mothers do
And Lord I know You're faithful
Your hand of grace I have known
But I ask You in the meantime until You call me home

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too

And when the trumpet sounds, Lord Your face I long to see
Now I've one more reason to wait expectantly
And when I get to Heaven and see all You have done
I know that I will understand and to him I will run

I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close
He'll sit upon my knee and tell me all the things
You've taught him about You
He'll whisper in my ear one more simple truth
He'll tell me that he loves me and that he love you too
He'll tell me that he loves You and Lord I love you too.




I hesitated to put this here, but this place is about my journey...not just numbers on a scale. Two weeks ago I was stoked because I had started my period all on my own. Things just weren't quite right. They seemed all too familiar. I put that thought out of mind though. I stopped bleeding around day 10, but yesterday morning I started bleeding again. I remember calling Cindy to fuss
because I wasn't going to make it to the gym. Oh how petty that seems now.

A couple hours later I had the feeling that I needed to change my pad and tampon. While in the bathroom, I discovered that I was actually miscarrying. I picked up my child called John in the room. I was in shock. John looked like a ghost. He later told me he was afraid to say anything. He later told me that he felt as long as he didn't speak that it wasn't really happening. We carefully
brought him back into our room where we held him for what seemed like forever. Then, I took a very small box I had and cut two small pieces of a baby blanket to line his "coffin" with. I kissed him and placed his body inside of its earthly resting place then covered him with another piece of blanket. I couldn't bear flushing his little body down the toilet. He is my son and his life mattered. Based on his size he was about 8 weeks.

I feel guilty. I am his mother. How could I not know about him? I hope he knows how much we wanted him though. He was a huge surprise, but that didn't make him any less wanted. I see the pain my husband is going through. As a guy, he tries to remain strong. That guilt eats me too. I feel so broken. Why did God choose him to go along this journey with me? He doesn't deserve this pain. He keeps telling me this isn't my fault, but it has to be some how. My body has
failed me 6 times now.

Despite the pain, I am thankful God chose me to be this little one's mama. He came to life for a purpose and I know he lived every single moment God intended for him to. A friend's husband told me yesterday that maybe this was God's way of showing me that I could still get pregnant. While some may not find that comforting...in some ways I do. My heart longs to hold him again. The thought of waiting a life time to see him is almost unbearable. When I think about how short this life is compared to eternity, though, it is worth it.

I wish he could've stayed. No good parent wants to say goodbye to their child. Even though that wasn't God's plan I am thankful that I was chosen to carry him. My arms ache to hold him once more. My chest longs to feel a newborn, THIS CHILD against my breast to nurture him the way a mom is supposed to. My heart feels so torn and out of place. I love all of my children but I can't be in two places at once. I am blessed, so blessed. My job is here, but my heart aches for the day when all of my babies can be together. I long for the day when I won't feel so torn between Heaven and earth.

John told me he felt this child was a boy. He told me the name Jeremiah immediately came to his heart when he found out. We chose the name Jeremiah Daniel for this precious blessing. May he sit on his Grammie's lap with his brothers and sisters until we can all be together.

God, our human hearts can't make sense of any of this. We thank You for giving us Jeremiah, Michael, Felicity, Hannah, Eli and Maddie. Each of them holds a special place in our hearts. They each had a purpose and we are very grateful you chose us to be their parents. We don't pretend to understand the reasons why You decided to take them home so quickly, but we will still praise
You. We praise you that you saw fit to give us children we could keep with us on this earth also. Give us strength in our weakness so that we may be able to continue to do all we need to in the midst of feeling like we're falling apart. Please come to us during this time and allow Your Glory to shine through this. Please help us heal and some how make sense of this tragedy. Amen.

Jeremiah Daniel
Born into Jesus' Arms 1/14/2012

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." ~Author Unknown

"Lord, I wanted to hold my son in my lap and tell him all about you. Since I never got the chance will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"

Here I am, Lord. Send me.

I am going to share my heart for a moment. I have shared before about being told as a child that I would never have children. Even before then I always knew I would be a mom. I knew some way God would provide this dream for me. In my life I have been blessed with 10 beautiful children. I praise God for them. I know God isn't finished with us yet.

There are over 147 million orphans in the world. Studies show that if 7% of Christians would adopt just 1 child there would be no more need for DCS/CPS/Foster Care/Group homes. Please take a moment and just think on that for a moment. We have really let these kids down. I say no more. This blog isn't to harp on those who haven't surrendered to the call of Christ to care for the orphans.

I come to you and ask that you join us in prayer. There are a lot of things that will need to happen before we complete our next adoption.

1. We need a bigger house.
2. John will need a better job.
3. From what I understand, if we do private adoption we'll have to have 3 years of tax returns to prove income.

This list is just the beginning. We are standing on faith that God will provide these needs when He is ready to send us out again.

Yes, we have 5 kids. I know that is more than the average person thinks is acceptable. We have plenty of love, time and energy for these and many more. God promised to provide ALL of our needs according to His riches in Glory. I know most people's minds immediately go to money when they hear this scripture. I choose to believe what it says though. He'll provide ALL. That means that when I am weak He is strong. When I am tired He provides my energy. There is a stirring in my spirit to start preparing for our next child(ren). It breaks my heart knowing s/he could be out there already. Is someone loving them? Are they cold? Are they hungry? My mama's heart longs to run to them and comfort them. That is an impossible task right now though. They are already my babies. Even if they haven't been conceived yet.


I am asking for you to join us in prayer. Whenever you think about us please pray and ask God to prepare our hearts and the hearts of those we will deal with. Please pray for our son or daughter. Pray that if they are already here that they will be able to have a safe, warm, loving home until God brings them home. Pray for our future birth moms. Pray that she makes the healthy choices for these kids.

Here we are,Lord. Send us please.

Lisa

TPR

So this morning we will have the TPR hearing for Liana and Isaiah. There is a bit of nervousness that comes with this, but I'm surprisingly calm. It's hard to believe that after everything it is finally wind down time. After this comes the waiting then the adoption. They will be ours forever in just a couple short months. We are blessed beyond measure that God saw it right to give us these blessings. I can't imagine my life without them and I'm glad I don't have to. So please say a prayer for us this morning. Thank you.

Recap

I keep telling myself that I'm going to start blogging more often but I never do. I post so much on FB that I just don't take the time to blog. I'm going to attempt to start blogging more now. Life is good the kids are growing. We are very blessed. I can't even remember life without my babies.

For those who don't remember, we have kids now. Sam and Landon came to us in 2008. Jewel-Anne was a post adoption miracle arriving 40 days after the boys' adoption. Our youngest daughter arrived in 2009, 6 weeks before before Jewel-Anne's adoption. She and Jewel-Anne are 6 weeks apart. Nine weeks later her biological brother came to live with us.


"Minnie" and "Mickey" will be our 4th and 5th adoptions. We are very excited. We have finally decided on their names. Post adoption they will be Liana and Isaiah. We have our TPR court hearing in early August. From what I understand we are look at 10-12 weeks until the adoption will be completed. We are hoping it will be sooner, but God knows what His will is. Our inconveniences are of no surprise to Him.

Now we decide where to go from here. Please continue to pray for us. There are some changes that will occur so stay tuned!!

Blessings,

Lisa

The Story of Our Ohana

John and I had 3 miscarriages (Madison, Elijah and Michael) before becoming foster parents. Our home study had been approved a mere 2 minutes before we found out that our boys were being placed with us. In fact it was in the same call. They were with family so they arrived two days later. They arrived in March 2008. Sam (now 6) and Landon's (now 4) adoption took place on April 2, 2009 (Landon's Birthday).

Less than two weeks later we got the call about our first infant placement. John sped home from work and got pulled over at the end of our street. He explained what was going on and the cop let him go. We still laugh about it. Jewel-Anne (named after my mom who passed away 4 months before baby was born) She was placed with us two days after Mother's Day that year. Her adoption took place in April of this year. She is now 16 months. It brought me comfort to know that mom left when she did so she could spend some time with her granddaughter since she wouldn't have time with her here.

Little did we know what was in store for us. 11 days before Jewel-Anne's adoption we had a visit with our case worker. I was teasing her telling her that exactly 40 days after the boys adoption we got Jewel-Anne so if she could manage to do that again I would take it as a good sign.

Later that evening a got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. Even as a foster parent I don't tend to answer calls from strange numbers but I did and it was our case worker telling me she had an infant girl she wanted to place with us. I thought she was joking. I told her that I wanted to talk to John and I would call her right back. I called and he didn't answer so I called her back and said bring her on. He'll just have a nice surprise when he gets home. There weren't a lot of details on her and our case worker had her age wrong but it turns out she was only 6 weeks younger than Jewel-Anne. Minnie Mouse was so quiet and reserved. She didn't cry all weekend long. We had to guess if she was hungry. Everyone was telling us how blessed we were that she was so calm but it really just broke my heart. Babies are supposed to cry to get their needs met. It takes a lot to get a child to the point that they won't cry for anything. John took Friday off and went to work on Monday. I was in the middle of giving baths when he left and she started crying and cried until everyone's baths were finished. I am happy to report that she found her voice pretty quickly and had such a little dainty, controlling personality. She hates getting dirty/messy, but she loves to tattle on her brothers if they are misbehaving! When we went to court we found out Birth Mom was pregnant again so we temporarily put our home on hold so we wouldn't get anymore (we could only take one more infant) until the baby arrived.

On May 14th we received the call about Mickey Mouse. He was one week old when he came home with us. We were so excited. He is now 3 months old and we are waiting for the parents rights to be terminated and be able to adopt them too.

So we have 8 kids Madison (angel), Elijah (angel), Sam (6), Landon (4), Michael (angel), Jewel-Anne (15 mos), Minnie (14mos) and Mickey (3 mos). I have 3 under 16 mos! It gets crazy sometimes but I wouldn't have it any other way. We prayed for a long time that God would bless us with even one child. Apparently he likes to show off! ;)

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Legacy of an Adopted Child Poem:
Once there were two women, who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, the other taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotion, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears
One sought for you a home, that she could not provide
The other prayed for a child, and her hope was not denied
And now you ask me through your tears,
The age-old question unanswered through the years
Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither my darling, neither
Just two different kinds of love.
Author-Unknown

Candidly Speaking

I need to speak candidly for a moment. I need to share my heart and this my page so I have that right. I realize that God has called us to the uikollpnique position of being foster parents. My kids were delivered through another woman's body. The act of creation wasn't between myself and my husband but that another couple. HOWEVER, I can look at my children (ALL OF THEM) and see pieces of my husband, myself and our family in each child. I know, without a doubt that these children were meant to be ours and before they were born God had chosen us to be their mommy and daddy.

However, I am slowly learning that there are people that I can't confide in. There are people that I can't share my beliefs with. I realize that I am "carrying" another woman's child. The Christ within me recognizes that people deserve a second chance. God bless them. However, the Bible also is very clear about how God feels about child abusers. I believe he is loving and forgiving toward them if they seek repentance from HIM and also that child. However, if they don't I also believe there is a special, extra warm place for them in hell.

I have been in the position of giving up a child before. Some of you who have known me a long time have heard me share my story about DeShaun. Granted, it wasn't an adoption situation and I was just the "babysitter." I had that child more than his own Mama for the first 5 years of his life. When he started school I still had him on the weekends. There came a point where his mother started to become a better mother and took interest in her child. I was so thankful because if he was going to live with her that is what she needed to do. However, there was a point where she wouldn't even pick up her child for three weeks at a time. I loved him with wreckless abandoned because I don't know how to love any other way. I gave him what he needed and I don't regret it.

With all of that being said...NO ONE knows the whole story of my children and no one knows what is best for them except God. The experience I have had with birth parents (including D's mom) is that children are more of a "trophy" for them. No matter how much they screw up at least their kids are awesome kids. It's the one thing they did right. I get that, but that is so incredibly selfish. I realize some people would say that is exactly what I am being by wanting to take these kids. Yes, you are right...but the kids are getting what they need. I know without a doubt that I am what is best for 3/4 of my kids and I believe I am what is best for MM too. If I didn't I wouldn't be doing this. My Father is the only one who knows what the future holds. The birth parents I have worked with have no concern for their kids until they get in front of the judge. Then they want to play parent of the year. So is the life.

You can feel about me how you will. Think what you will. I went through this with the boys and Jewel-Anne. I was called many unkind things for wanting to adopt these children because they "belonged" to their birth parents. Unless you have been a foster parent you do no know what is like to have my life. You don't know what it's like to have absolutely no certainty whether someone is going to come in and take your kids when YOU did nothing wrong. You love and you give all that you have and yet it's always in the back of your mind.

I once read something about birth parents that said that WE (the FP, dept, anyone in DCS's authority) don't have to tell the birth parents what they did wrong because THEY know that they have done wrong whether they admit it or not. I petition to you (my non foster parent friends) to realize that you don't have to tell us (foster parents) that we will get our hearts broken, that these are not our kids, maybe they would be better off with their birth parents, etc. When we signed up to be foster parents we knew the risks. We knew that we could get our hearts broken. We do NOT need a constant reminder. I also challenge you to understand that there are details that cannot be shared so for someone to make comments about the birth parents being best for the children, you wouldn't make that assumption if you knew what we knew. These comments are hurtful. I have had people tell me "going HOME is what is best for these children." FINALLY WE AGREE ON SOMETHING! You are absolutely right! I couldn't agree with you more. HOME is the best place for them. My children ARE home!

When I have asked people to pray for our current situation I haven't asked you to do anything you aren't comfortable. I haven't asked you to pray we get to keep MM, but simply that God would protect her. And I know he will. I have had a few days to process and gather myself. I realize that GOD is in control. I have a deep peace about the situation now. This happened with each one of our kids. They "almost" went home. BUT GOD!! GOD knows what is best. "For I know the plans I have for you..." "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." He wrote the life plans. He knows the plans he has for HIS DAUGHTER! He knew that she would come into our lives. I have to live my life believing that this will last a lifetime. That's what HOPE is. That is what FAITH is! I understand this line of thinking isn't for everyone, but it's all I know.

So again I ask, those of you who feel led to pray - we appreciate it. I KNOW that it's the prayers of God's saints that has brought us this far. Please pray as the Holy Spirit guides you. WE are praying that we get to keep her. I am not asking that of you though. If you don't feel led to pray that way then please don't. If you think we're crazy and don't wish to pray for us at all that is fine too. All I am asking is that you be sensitive in your speech and actions to us (and those like us) who have been called to do one of the hardest things in life. Thank you.

Side note: This was not "birthed" from one person's comments but the comments of a few people.

Side note 2: I realize there are some awesome birth parents out there who knew from the moment of conception that they weren't ready to be parents. There are those who tried and couldn't make it and willing gave their children to loving couples who could carry their children for them. My hat is off to you a million times over. I also want to acknowledge that there are birth parents who get their children taken away and that alone is enough to wake them up and make them get their life straight. Again, my hat is off to you. You are one of the elite of DCS families. I praise GOD that you did what was best for your child. There are way too many selfish birth parents out there who put many things above their children. YOU are not who I am talking about. I have never had the privilege of working with someone like you. I would like to think that I would feel differently, just as I did with DeShaun. As foster parents we love these children like our own. We fill your shoes when you can't. We want what is best for these children. Our hearts may break when they leave, but we rejoice with you in your success.

The Waiting Child

The Waiting Child by Debbie Bodie

I saw you meet your child today
You kissed your baby joyfully
And as you walked away with her
I played pretend you'd chosen me.
I'm happy for the baby, yet
Inside I'm aching miserably
I want to plead as you go by,
"Does no-one want a child of three?"
I saw you meet your child today
In love with her before you met
And as I watched you take her out
I knew it wasn't my turn yet.
I recognize you from last year!... See More
I knew I'd seen your face before!
But you came for a second babe.
Does no-one want a child of four?
I saw you meet your child today
But this time there was something new
A nurse came in and took MY hand
And then she gave my hand to you.
Can this be true?
I'm almost six!
And there are infants here, you see?
But then you kissed me and I knew
The child you picked this time was me.
Copyright 1997

He's Sending Miracles Down Our Way

Thursday, March 11, 2010 we got another surprise of our lives. Once again we defied the odds and received another infant placement. Our future with Minnie Mouse is uncertain, but we are standing in faith and praying that this is going to be forever.

Thursday I decided to stay home with the kids because we had our case worker coming out that morning. I usually drive John to work just in case something happens so I would be able to get places if need be. John and I had been joking that week that the day I finally decided to stay home and rest that we would get "the call" because that is exactly how things happened with Jewel-Anne. The case worker finally arrived and she did her thing. She always stays to talk a bit. Walking into my house is like walking into the circus. You won't get out quickly because you just HAVE to hold the baby and the boys HAVE to give hugs and talk your ear off. Before she left I told her that she needed to work on getting us a placement on day 40 post adoption because it was exactly 40 days after the boys adoption that we got the call for Jewel-Anne. She laughed and left.

The kids and I went about our day. This was an overtime night for John. We had just finished dinner and the boys were watching Mulan (the current disney fav in this house) when I received a phone call from a cell number I didn't recognize. I answered the phone with that "Who are you and why are you calling me" hello. The lady answered and said "Hello, this is A. I was wondering if you were up for another baby." It was our case worker. The Dept had very little information on the baby. A told me she was a year old, gave me her name and said that the on call case worker would call. I asked her to give me a couple minutes to ask John. I knew it would be ok, but I didn't want to just be like "Surprise honey we have another baby!" when he came home from work. He didn't answer so I called her back and told her we would take Minnie Mouse. John finally called me back and then rushed home. I told him to cancel his OT but he came home an hour early anyway. Both John and Minnie Mouse arrived about 30 seconds apart.

John took the kids into the boys room while we filled out paper work. MM sat on a blanket in the floor and I made the comment that she was moving around good for a year old. The case worker told me she was only 8 months. She asked me if that would be a problem. Um, like I'm going to turn down this blessing?? Of course it wasn't a problem. Once the case worker left John let the boys out. They spent a couple minutes with her and then I made them go into the hallway where they could see her. We put Jewel-Anne in the floor. They stared at each other for a couple minutes. Jewel-Anne seen the paci laying next to MM so she crawls over, spits her paci out and pops MM's paci in her mouth and sits up to stare at her again. About 3 minutes later Jewel-Anne crawled on top of her and that was the end of the peacefulness in my house! LOL MM was crying and then Jewel-Anne started crying. Sam didn't go to sleep at all that night. By 5:00 he had woke Landon and by 5:30 Landon was crawling into the crib with MM. It was a long day.

Today was my first day with all 4 by myself and it was a little crazy. We're still trying to get into a routine. I have decided we're having spring break this week while we get adjusted. The boys are completely in love. They take turns showering the girls with attention. Jewel-Anne absolutely loves her. I was sure we would have a problem because she has been the baby all of her life and she doesn't like sharing Mama with anyone, but she's doing great.

Today's challenge was giving the girls a bath. Sam had therapy this morning so they didn't get one before John left. The girls screamed for 45 minutes while I bathed and dressed them. I gave Jewel-Anne her bath first and MM screamed. MM doesn't like her bath but the boys put toys in her bath so she calmed down until I washed her hair. The screaming continued.

I was finally able to get them settled so I could rock Jewel-Anne to sleep. I got her to sleep and laid her on the blanket next to me and rocked MM to sleep. She fell asleep and I called my sister to brag about my accomplishment (something I would normally do with mom but that's not possible now). I hadn't much more than gotten off the phone until Jewel-Anne set straight up. Once she noticed MM was asleep she started trying to tickle MM's feet to wake her up! LOL

We got Jewel-Anne's first case worker back. I really like him. He spent a few minutes here. He tried to hold each of the girls and both of them screamed when took them from me. He told me I already had MM spoiled. She didn't cry when she first got her. She wouldn't cry when she was hungry, dirty, or sleepy. She still doesn't cry like she should, but Jewel-Anne is teaching her how to properly pitch a fit! (Anyone have a spare set of ear plugs?)

So now we wait. We already love this child. We are praying and standing in faith that we get to keep her. We only ask that if you feel led, please stand in faith with us and pray that she gets to stay forever. We truly do want God's will for her and if it's not us then God will heal our hearts, but we are expecting miracles!

Lisa

Life

It has been a long time since I posted a blog. I used to write a lot before Mom passed away, but I can't seem to get back into the swing of things. I have so much I want to say, but have a hard time putting those thoughts into words. When I can, life is so busy that I have trouble finding time to sit and write when the mood hits. I would really like to start blogging more.

Everyone is doing well. John is still in school. If he does well in these classes this will be his last semester for his associates degree. He will be eligible for a promotion then (if it's still available). He will be starting ETSU in August to get his bachelor's degree in Computer Programming. I am very proud of him. He has worked very hard for this. He goes to work full time and until last semester was going to school full time also.

Sam is doing great in school. We are still working on reading but he's excelling in all other areas. I'm not sure if I posted on here or not, but he completed his kindergarten work right after Christmas so he's now a first grader! I have had a lot of people ask me if we will continue homeschooling. The answer is yes! Life is often crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't imagine all of the things I would miss if I sent him to public school.

Landon is doing wonderful. We have some behavioral issues in both children, but I'm hoping that spring will help these pass. Landon has really started to bond with his sister and that makes me so happy. It only took 6 months. When we started to talk about the adoption Landon said "Mom, you said that we weren't going to get to keep her! It's time to send her back because you lied!" (When we got the call for Jewel-Anne we told the boys that we didn't know if we were going to get to keep her.)

Jewel-Anne is becoming so animated now. She babbles all the time. Birth mom signed her rights away earlier this month. Tonight at midnight her time to change her mind will expire. Next week we will have our last perm plan meeting and meet with the adoption specialist. We are in the hurry up and wait stage. Hopefully next week we will have an adoption date.

Bad Guys

Landon: "but what if the bad guys shoot you?"
Sam: "They can't. I.'ve got God with me and I'm ready to roll!"

Open Adoptions

Our journey to forever has been different with Jewel-Anne. I feel different toward this girl more than I do the boys birth parents. Please don't get me wrong - there are times when I watch my daughter struggle with something that I want to find her and smack her for what she put my daughter through. Did she make the best choices? Obviously not! She is trying to make the right choices for our daughter now. Our birth mom has asked for an open adoption. My husband and I are having some really tough discussions right now and having to weigh the options that are best for our child. Do we want her to have contact? How much contact? What are the conditions? The ultimate question is what is best for our daughter?

The answers to these questions are different for each person, each child, each situation. The boys birth parents asked for contact. We told them that as long as they got their act together and didn't put our children in harms way we would be ok with some form of contact. Unfortunately things haven't worked out for that to happen. They are still in the cycle of blaming everyone else for their problems instead of taking responsibility for their actions. With Jewel-Anne, her birth mother seems to have realized that SHE is responsible for where she is in life and I think that makes a big difference. We still haven't had the judification trial so things are still in her court.

I will admit that I struggle with things. This journey isn't just difficult pre-adoption but also post-adoption. I want to sympathize with these parents. What would it be like to lose your child? What would I do if I were in their position? The truth of the matter is that these parents get more than enough time to get their act together. What about being Jesus to the world though? Again, what is best for my children? Right now it isn't best for either set to have contact, IMO. It's been almost 3 years since my boys entered custody and I doubt that they will ever be able to have a relationship with their birth parents. I hope that when they turn 18 and can make their own decisions that they make the right ones. I hope they don't buy into the lies of their birth parents. Jewel-Anne's mother seems to realize that she "can't" (i.e. isn't ready to) do what she needs to so she is making the decision that is best for her daughter.

These parents will always have my appreciation because no matter how screwed up they are - they are the reason I have my children. I pray that they will turn their lives over to Christ and experience the freedom that He gives. I am hoping that Birth Mom can become the person Christ has called her to be. I wish her the best because HE has called me to extend forgiveness. It's not easy but my anger will not hurt just her...it hurts me...most of all it hurts my daughter. I need to think clearly and not out of my own emotions.

(Can you tell I'm still all over the place?) If you are an adoptive/foster adoptive parent can you please share your experiences with open adoptions? Thanks!

A Long But Good Day

Each year we are required to complete a certain amount of training to be foster parents. When mom passed away we got behind in our training hours so now we have a ton of catching up to do. We took a class last Thursday and then we had one this morning.

We are NOT morning people. My kids sleep until 7-8 most mornings (sometimes later). Jewel-Anne would sleep longer if the boys weren't so loud. This morning we had to be up at 6. We got the kids ready and took them to my sisters. Landon stayed with Aunt Kathy and Jewel-Anne and Sam went to Aunt Cindy. They had a blast.

We finally get to our class. There were almost 30 people in the class. The class seemed to take forever. Everyone wanted to question the instructor (a former DCS worker) about problems they were having that were completely unrelated to class material. I try to understand where these people are coming from because I have a talker for a husband. I will give the instructor credit because he tried to get everyone to stay on topic.

We went to pick the kids up then we had lunch with my sister (Aunt Kathy). Landon dumped his soda all over himself and Aunt Kathy. Sam was very snuggly. I think he missed me. Jewel-Anne tried to eat everyone's food. She's such a big girl! It is so hard to believe that she's almost a year old.

I am so blessed. I have a husband who is such a great provider for his family. 3 years ago wondered if I'd ever have earth children. In one year's time we were blessed 3 beautiful children. I am so thankful for God "showing out" in ways that we never expected.

All three kids are sleeping so I'm going to go now. I am tired. John is getting ready to pull week of OT. Thankfully it's just for a week. I'm going to sleep time with him and then go to sleep.

Night all!

The next step

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows, like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well with my soul.

These lyrics (and others) have been going through my head for the past month. We are coming to a crossroads in our family life where we are having to make some major decisions. I have struggled with trusting God. I have become arrogant thinking that these decisions were mine (or mine and John's) to make when that is not the case at all. These decisions are the Lord's to make, for HE is the giver and taker of all.

When we got the boys we knew that they were an adoptive placement. They weren't eligible for adoption (and wouldn't be for another year) but DCS knew that the parents weren't going to get their act together. We were blessed and spoiled. Please don't get me wrong. The journey to forever was a very long, emotional one. Still we had the assurance that in the end they would be ours. We were listed to only take infants after the boys because of our house size. We figured we'd have a nice long break because EVERYONE wants infants. Little did we know what God had in store for us. A mere fortny days later we got the call about Jewel-Anne. We were so excited, but at the same time it was so emotional. I went through "post-partum" depression. I was scared to death that I would get attached and they would rip her from me. I remember sitting on the floor of the living room holding and rocking her and sobbing. I looked at John and asked him what we were thinking.

I have always gotten very attached to the kids I care for. I did when I was babysitting as a teenager and I do now. I was in love with my kids before I laid eyes on them. My husband and I were blessed with three precious angels who were taken back to Heaven sooner than we liked. I have had many people ask me "What are you going to do when you have to give them back? I always tell them the same thing. "I don't know, but I know I serve a God who is the Healer of broken hearts." That sounds good in theory but it's hard to live by sometimes. No one WANTS to get their heart broken. I have talked to our case worker about where to go from here. We have considered taking adoptive only placements, but those do not come by often. We would love to have another infant at some point and that would be nearly impossible with adoptive only on our file. I have talked to John and a dear friend of mine who just "graduated" from foster care. Her family is complete. She had to give one child back also. In hearing her story the term "Beauty for Ashes" came to my mind. She told me that God was working behind the scenes because in the midst of her grief of losing this child God blessed her with two more.

"The will of God won't lead you where the grace of God can't keep you." The Martins

This verse has been on my mind since my mom went to Heaven. Surely enough, HIS grace has carried me through valleys and trials that I didn't think I was strong enough to get through. Do you know what I found out? I wasn't strong enough to get through those trials. GOD was more than enough. GOD supplied all my needs. He was my El Shadi. He always looked out for me! When I wasn't strong enough HE was my strength. And you know what? My Bible tells me that HE is the same TODAY as he was yesterday. HE will be the same tomorrow! He has called us to this ministry and HE will see us through it. John and I have talked about it and we have decided to trust God and see where he takes us. We have been painting this weekend. The boys' room is almost finished. The nursery is ready for furniture. We will put the crib in there tonight (we have a twin bed if we need it).

"You may be scared to death, but I won't let you go..." 33 miles

I am asking all of my friends to keep us in your prayers as we take this next step. Please pray that God's will is done no matter what we want. I have always said that it's truly not about us. It's not about how we feel or what we think. Our mission is to help these kids know they are loved by us and that GOD cares for them. Sometimes we get selfish and self-absorbed. It is now time to renew our strength and ready ourselves for the next chapter in our lives. Thank you all for the love, prayers, and support you have given us for the last three years. It has carried us through more than even we know.

Lisa

Walk a Little Slower Daddy

Walk a little slower Daddy,
Said a little child so small.
I'm following in your footsteps,
And I do not want to fall.
Sometimes your steps are very fast,
Sometimes they're hard to see.
So, walk a little slower, Daddy,
For you are leading me.
Someday when I am all grown up,
You're what I want to be.
Then I will have a little child,
Who'll want to follow me.
And, I would want to lead just right,
And, I'd know that I was true.
So, walk a little slower Daddy.
For I must follow you.
--Unknown Author

The Stuggles of a Woman Building Her Family Through Adoption

I have been dealing with this bout of jealousy all morning long. I know it's not right. I know I am extremely blessed. I have three beautiful children and I am very grateful for them. Most of the time I am perfectly happy with the way we've had to build our family, but then Satan starts attacking me and I start feeling sorry for myself and that is where I am today. I am hoping by writing this that I can get it all out and feel better. My niece is pregnant, isn't married and has no plans to get married in the future. This pregnancy was a birth control accident. She found out she was pregnant right after Mom made her journey to Heaven. For the longest time I was scared to death she'd have a girl. I told John the day of the funeral that if we ever had a girl that I wanted to name her after mom. I was afraid the baby was a girl that my niece would have the same idea. Petty? Yes, but I'm trying to deal with these feelings so that can move on. Then we were blessed with Princess and we found out she was having a boy. I was in the save zone.

Things settled down for a while until I got a phone call from my SIL three days ago telling me that she "forgot" to send me my invitation to the shower. The shower is today and I would really like to go and celebrate this baby because it's the right thing to do. I am stuck at home though because we still don't have the van fixed.

This brings me to my newest quest to feel sorry for myself. Baby showers! They are a grand and wonderful way to celebrate a baby, gifts aside. Then I started thinking about how I'll never be able to have a shower. The boys were too old and they came with almost everything under the sun that any child could hope for. They were so blessed with a great "foster" family and a wonderful church family so they pretty much moved in and took over. My house looked like Wal-mart the weekend they moved in. As a foster family, of course no one thinks about showers because these situations aren't supposed to be permanent. When Princess arrived, we had NOTHING for baby except some clothes that Mom and I bought while I was pregnant with Madison. The day we brought her home I was rushing around like a mad woman trying to get her meds. Our first outting was running to walmart (pushing two carts) to pick up a bassinet for her to sleep in. Everyone was laughing at us. It took us an hour and ten minutes to get out of that store. LOL One of my sisters blessed us with some bottles and an outfit and the other bought a pack of diapers and some wipes. About a week later our church blessed us with a gift basket the ladies of the church had put together. I am so grateful for everything. Still my heart longs for shower games, shower food, punch - the celebration! Now that we have boys and a girl, we have pretty much everything we need. It's petty and selfish because that is NOT what having children is all about.

Then I thought about how her mom is throwing the shower. Even if I did get pregnant and have a shower, my mom isn't here to do that for me. I miss her so much. I feel like my kids were robbed of really getting to know their Grammie. Princess (and our future children) will never even get to meet her on this earth. That makes me long for Heaven when I can see Mama again and my kids can see their Grammie. All in all I just need my mommy.

"Good-byes don't come easy when you must tell someone you love. And parting brings sorry and the time spent together never seems like enough. When she walked into the room she saw that look on (her) face. She knew this time had come and hoped it would be far away. When she took (her) by the hand, fighting back the tears right away (she) got that feeling angels were near. She heard (her) say, heard (her) say, "(Mommies) don't stay forever. That's what they always say. One day in life they make that journey. That time nobody knows. The bond we made will last forever, I give you my promise today - if you should ever just need your (mommy) I will be a memory away. I will be a memory away."

It's That Time of Year Again. :-(

Tomorrow, June 28th, is my birthday. It's supposed to be a happy day. Yet this year I am struggling to find it hard to be happy. June 28th 2007 I found out I was pregnant with Michael. I didn't find out until I was six weeks along. It was kind of a fluke that we found out. I started my period on my own on June 14th, something that almost never happens due to my PCOS. I had already taken a pregnancy test and it was negative. I had been taking Clomid that cycle so on the 28th I went in for my CD 13 ultrasound to see if I had any eggs. I had been spotting for two weeks and when I walked in the doctor told me that because of that I probably wouldn't be getting good news (meaning my hormones were probably too low for me to ovulate). She does the ultrasound and walks out. Normally she'd tell me how many eggs I have. She came back in and told me to get dressed and that she wanted to get some labs on me. This was nothing out of the ordinary. Joni, the beloved nurse who had seen me through many failed cycles, took my blood and said she'd call me back that afternoon with the results. She finally called me back and said something that I couldn't even understand. I asked her to repeat herself and she said "Well, you're pregnant!" I asked her how that could even be possible. She ended the conversation telling me my HCG (pregnancy test) numbers were low and that my progesterone was also low. I had to start injections and come back in on Monday. We told EVERYONE. We were so excited. I do not regret that decision because even though we'd already lost two other babies I knew that we would need the support of our family and friends if the worst did happen. Monday I went in and my numbers were zero. I was to stop the injections so I could complete the miscarriage. There was almost 4 years between my pregnancy with Eli and Michael. I was certain that God had blessed us and I still believe that He blessed us. No matter how the pregnancy ended, it was a blessing. Even for the sort time I knew I was pregnant. Without him, I wouldn't have my boys. We'd talked about foster care but hadn't planned on starting classes until January. Angel Michael helped his brothers find their way to us. Even though we've been blessed 3 times since Michael (and hopefully won't have to say goodbye to Princess) each of my children are still a big part of my life and my heart. Needless to say June 28th - July 2nd are very hard days for me. I usually try to take a weekend away, but that's not possible this year.

Tomorrow also marks another tragic event in my life. Tomorrow I'll go to the grave yard for probably the 50th time in 6 months. Six months ago, I heard my Mama say the last words she'll ever say to me on earth. "Goodbye, I love you too." I still struggle to understand how one can be so full of life one minute and gone 15 literal minutes later. I know WHY it happened while we were gone. I know she was waiting for us to leave so the boys or myself would find her. When I hold princess I still struggle with knowing that she will never get to impart all of the wisdom in her life that she imparted in mine. All of these things that I never thought I would have to do alone, I have to face alone. I had 26.5 wonderful years with my Mama. My boys only had 9 months with her. Princess will never get to do that. I often tell myself the reason that Mom died when she did was so she could help take care of Princess while she was still in Heaven. As strange as it sounds there are many things in Princess that make me see Mama in her.

Even though this sounds like a very depressing blog, and it is really, I am very thankful. I have a Mama who taught me to be the woman I am today. I am a better person for having her in my life. I have a husband who loves me, despite the fact that he makes me so mad I want to smack him sometimes. I have three beautiful angel babies, who have each made me a better person in the short time I was blessed to carry them. I have three "earth" children who prove to me each day how much God really does love me. Each day has its challenges, but each day has its blessings too. I am thankful for a God who looked down and seen how broken and hurt I was after losing my babies and decided to restore and mend my heart. There were times when I NEVER thought I would have earth children. Now I have three. I'm not sure how long I will be earth mom to three, but I am thankful for the amount of time HE allows me to care for and love my beautiful princess. My birthday wish is that each of you would go to your mom and tell her how much you love her. Time is too short to let petty little things get in the way. Give her two hugs...one from yourself and one from those of us who can't hug our mother anymore.

I must close for now. John is making my birthday cake. My aunt Flossie used to make a cake called Banana Split Cake. It has become a tradition that he always makes me one for my birthday. I must go steal a cherry. ;)