Jeremiah Daniel

DISCLAIMER: This blog will be very graphic, emotionally and physically. You have been warned.

Hug Him Once For Me By Erin McClure

I asked You Lord You answered, a little one You gave
The hardest part I never knew was that little one You'd take
But Lord I trust You now, I know that You are good
And Jesus I was wondering if You would...

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too

Waiting here right now Lord seems so hard to do
Longing just to hold him like other mothers do
And Lord I know You're faithful
Your hand of grace I have known
But I ask You in the meantime until You call me home

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too

And when the trumpet sounds, Lord Your face I long to see
Now I've one more reason to wait expectantly
And when I get to Heaven and see all You have done
I know that I will understand and to him I will run

I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close
He'll sit upon my knee and tell me all the things
You've taught him about You
He'll whisper in my ear one more simple truth
He'll tell me that he loves me and that he love you too
He'll tell me that he loves You and Lord I love you too.




I hesitated to put this here, but this place is about my journey...not just numbers on a scale. Two weeks ago I was stoked because I had started my period all on my own. Things just weren't quite right. They seemed all too familiar. I put that thought out of mind though. I stopped bleeding around day 10, but yesterday morning I started bleeding again. I remember calling Cindy to fuss
because I wasn't going to make it to the gym. Oh how petty that seems now.

A couple hours later I had the feeling that I needed to change my pad and tampon. While in the bathroom, I discovered that I was actually miscarrying. I picked up my child called John in the room. I was in shock. John looked like a ghost. He later told me he was afraid to say anything. He later told me that he felt as long as he didn't speak that it wasn't really happening. We carefully
brought him back into our room where we held him for what seemed like forever. Then, I took a very small box I had and cut two small pieces of a baby blanket to line his "coffin" with. I kissed him and placed his body inside of its earthly resting place then covered him with another piece of blanket. I couldn't bear flushing his little body down the toilet. He is my son and his life mattered. Based on his size he was about 8 weeks.

I feel guilty. I am his mother. How could I not know about him? I hope he knows how much we wanted him though. He was a huge surprise, but that didn't make him any less wanted. I see the pain my husband is going through. As a guy, he tries to remain strong. That guilt eats me too. I feel so broken. Why did God choose him to go along this journey with me? He doesn't deserve this pain. He keeps telling me this isn't my fault, but it has to be some how. My body has
failed me 6 times now.

Despite the pain, I am thankful God chose me to be this little one's mama. He came to life for a purpose and I know he lived every single moment God intended for him to. A friend's husband told me yesterday that maybe this was God's way of showing me that I could still get pregnant. While some may not find that comforting...in some ways I do. My heart longs to hold him again. The thought of waiting a life time to see him is almost unbearable. When I think about how short this life is compared to eternity, though, it is worth it.

I wish he could've stayed. No good parent wants to say goodbye to their child. Even though that wasn't God's plan I am thankful that I was chosen to carry him. My arms ache to hold him once more. My chest longs to feel a newborn, THIS CHILD against my breast to nurture him the way a mom is supposed to. My heart feels so torn and out of place. I love all of my children but I can't be in two places at once. I am blessed, so blessed. My job is here, but my heart aches for the day when all of my babies can be together. I long for the day when I won't feel so torn between Heaven and earth.

John told me he felt this child was a boy. He told me the name Jeremiah immediately came to his heart when he found out. We chose the name Jeremiah Daniel for this precious blessing. May he sit on his Grammie's lap with his brothers and sisters until we can all be together.

God, our human hearts can't make sense of any of this. We thank You for giving us Jeremiah, Michael, Felicity, Hannah, Eli and Maddie. Each of them holds a special place in our hearts. They each had a purpose and we are very grateful you chose us to be their parents. We don't pretend to understand the reasons why You decided to take them home so quickly, but we will still praise
You. We praise you that you saw fit to give us children we could keep with us on this earth also. Give us strength in our weakness so that we may be able to continue to do all we need to in the midst of feeling like we're falling apart. Please come to us during this time and allow Your Glory to shine through this. Please help us heal and some how make sense of this tragedy. Amen.

Jeremiah Daniel
Born into Jesus' Arms 1/14/2012

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." ~Author Unknown

"Lord, I wanted to hold my son in my lap and tell him all about you. Since I never got the chance will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"

Here I am, Lord. Send me.

I am going to share my heart for a moment. I have shared before about being told as a child that I would never have children. Even before then I always knew I would be a mom. I knew some way God would provide this dream for me. In my life I have been blessed with 10 beautiful children. I praise God for them. I know God isn't finished with us yet.

There are over 147 million orphans in the world. Studies show that if 7% of Christians would adopt just 1 child there would be no more need for DCS/CPS/Foster Care/Group homes. Please take a moment and just think on that for a moment. We have really let these kids down. I say no more. This blog isn't to harp on those who haven't surrendered to the call of Christ to care for the orphans.

I come to you and ask that you join us in prayer. There are a lot of things that will need to happen before we complete our next adoption.

1. We need a bigger house.
2. John will need a better job.
3. From what I understand, if we do private adoption we'll have to have 3 years of tax returns to prove income.

This list is just the beginning. We are standing on faith that God will provide these needs when He is ready to send us out again.

Yes, we have 5 kids. I know that is more than the average person thinks is acceptable. We have plenty of love, time and energy for these and many more. God promised to provide ALL of our needs according to His riches in Glory. I know most people's minds immediately go to money when they hear this scripture. I choose to believe what it says though. He'll provide ALL. That means that when I am weak He is strong. When I am tired He provides my energy. There is a stirring in my spirit to start preparing for our next child(ren). It breaks my heart knowing s/he could be out there already. Is someone loving them? Are they cold? Are they hungry? My mama's heart longs to run to them and comfort them. That is an impossible task right now though. They are already my babies. Even if they haven't been conceived yet.


I am asking for you to join us in prayer. Whenever you think about us please pray and ask God to prepare our hearts and the hearts of those we will deal with. Please pray for our son or daughter. Pray that if they are already here that they will be able to have a safe, warm, loving home until God brings them home. Pray for our future birth moms. Pray that she makes the healthy choices for these kids.

Here we are,Lord. Send us please.

Lisa

TPR

So this morning we will have the TPR hearing for Liana and Isaiah. There is a bit of nervousness that comes with this, but I'm surprisingly calm. It's hard to believe that after everything it is finally wind down time. After this comes the waiting then the adoption. They will be ours forever in just a couple short months. We are blessed beyond measure that God saw it right to give us these blessings. I can't imagine my life without them and I'm glad I don't have to. So please say a prayer for us this morning. Thank you.

Recap

I keep telling myself that I'm going to start blogging more often but I never do. I post so much on FB that I just don't take the time to blog. I'm going to attempt to start blogging more now. Life is good the kids are growing. We are very blessed. I can't even remember life without my babies.

For those who don't remember, we have kids now. Sam and Landon came to us in 2008. Jewel-Anne was a post adoption miracle arriving 40 days after the boys' adoption. Our youngest daughter arrived in 2009, 6 weeks before before Jewel-Anne's adoption. She and Jewel-Anne are 6 weeks apart. Nine weeks later her biological brother came to live with us.


"Minnie" and "Mickey" will be our 4th and 5th adoptions. We are very excited. We have finally decided on their names. Post adoption they will be Liana and Isaiah. We have our TPR court hearing in early August. From what I understand we are look at 10-12 weeks until the adoption will be completed. We are hoping it will be sooner, but God knows what His will is. Our inconveniences are of no surprise to Him.

Now we decide where to go from here. Please continue to pray for us. There are some changes that will occur so stay tuned!!

Blessings,

Lisa

The Story of Our Ohana

John and I had 3 miscarriages (Madison, Elijah and Michael) before becoming foster parents. Our home study had been approved a mere 2 minutes before we found out that our boys were being placed with us. In fact it was in the same call. They were with family so they arrived two days later. They arrived in March 2008. Sam (now 6) and Landon's (now 4) adoption took place on April 2, 2009 (Landon's Birthday).

Less than two weeks later we got the call about our first infant placement. John sped home from work and got pulled over at the end of our street. He explained what was going on and the cop let him go. We still laugh about it. Jewel-Anne (named after my mom who passed away 4 months before baby was born) She was placed with us two days after Mother's Day that year. Her adoption took place in April of this year. She is now 16 months. It brought me comfort to know that mom left when she did so she could spend some time with her granddaughter since she wouldn't have time with her here.

Little did we know what was in store for us. 11 days before Jewel-Anne's adoption we had a visit with our case worker. I was teasing her telling her that exactly 40 days after the boys adoption we got Jewel-Anne so if she could manage to do that again I would take it as a good sign.

Later that evening a got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. Even as a foster parent I don't tend to answer calls from strange numbers but I did and it was our case worker telling me she had an infant girl she wanted to place with us. I thought she was joking. I told her that I wanted to talk to John and I would call her right back. I called and he didn't answer so I called her back and said bring her on. He'll just have a nice surprise when he gets home. There weren't a lot of details on her and our case worker had her age wrong but it turns out she was only 6 weeks younger than Jewel-Anne. Minnie Mouse was so quiet and reserved. She didn't cry all weekend long. We had to guess if she was hungry. Everyone was telling us how blessed we were that she was so calm but it really just broke my heart. Babies are supposed to cry to get their needs met. It takes a lot to get a child to the point that they won't cry for anything. John took Friday off and went to work on Monday. I was in the middle of giving baths when he left and she started crying and cried until everyone's baths were finished. I am happy to report that she found her voice pretty quickly and had such a little dainty, controlling personality. She hates getting dirty/messy, but she loves to tattle on her brothers if they are misbehaving! When we went to court we found out Birth Mom was pregnant again so we temporarily put our home on hold so we wouldn't get anymore (we could only take one more infant) until the baby arrived.

On May 14th we received the call about Mickey Mouse. He was one week old when he came home with us. We were so excited. He is now 3 months old and we are waiting for the parents rights to be terminated and be able to adopt them too.

So we have 8 kids Madison (angel), Elijah (angel), Sam (6), Landon (4), Michael (angel), Jewel-Anne (15 mos), Minnie (14mos) and Mickey (3 mos). I have 3 under 16 mos! It gets crazy sometimes but I wouldn't have it any other way. We prayed for a long time that God would bless us with even one child. Apparently he likes to show off! ;)

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Legacy of an Adopted Child Poem:
Once there were two women, who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, the other taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotion, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears
One sought for you a home, that she could not provide
The other prayed for a child, and her hope was not denied
And now you ask me through your tears,
The age-old question unanswered through the years
Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither my darling, neither
Just two different kinds of love.
Author-Unknown

Candidly Speaking

I need to speak candidly for a moment. I need to share my heart and this my page so I have that right. I realize that God has called us to the uikollpnique position of being foster parents. My kids were delivered through another woman's body. The act of creation wasn't between myself and my husband but that another couple. HOWEVER, I can look at my children (ALL OF THEM) and see pieces of my husband, myself and our family in each child. I know, without a doubt that these children were meant to be ours and before they were born God had chosen us to be their mommy and daddy.

However, I am slowly learning that there are people that I can't confide in. There are people that I can't share my beliefs with. I realize that I am "carrying" another woman's child. The Christ within me recognizes that people deserve a second chance. God bless them. However, the Bible also is very clear about how God feels about child abusers. I believe he is loving and forgiving toward them if they seek repentance from HIM and also that child. However, if they don't I also believe there is a special, extra warm place for them in hell.

I have been in the position of giving up a child before. Some of you who have known me a long time have heard me share my story about DeShaun. Granted, it wasn't an adoption situation and I was just the "babysitter." I had that child more than his own Mama for the first 5 years of his life. When he started school I still had him on the weekends. There came a point where his mother started to become a better mother and took interest in her child. I was so thankful because if he was going to live with her that is what she needed to do. However, there was a point where she wouldn't even pick up her child for three weeks at a time. I loved him with wreckless abandoned because I don't know how to love any other way. I gave him what he needed and I don't regret it.

With all of that being said...NO ONE knows the whole story of my children and no one knows what is best for them except God. The experience I have had with birth parents (including D's mom) is that children are more of a "trophy" for them. No matter how much they screw up at least their kids are awesome kids. It's the one thing they did right. I get that, but that is so incredibly selfish. I realize some people would say that is exactly what I am being by wanting to take these kids. Yes, you are right...but the kids are getting what they need. I know without a doubt that I am what is best for 3/4 of my kids and I believe I am what is best for MM too. If I didn't I wouldn't be doing this. My Father is the only one who knows what the future holds. The birth parents I have worked with have no concern for their kids until they get in front of the judge. Then they want to play parent of the year. So is the life.

You can feel about me how you will. Think what you will. I went through this with the boys and Jewel-Anne. I was called many unkind things for wanting to adopt these children because they "belonged" to their birth parents. Unless you have been a foster parent you do no know what is like to have my life. You don't know what it's like to have absolutely no certainty whether someone is going to come in and take your kids when YOU did nothing wrong. You love and you give all that you have and yet it's always in the back of your mind.

I once read something about birth parents that said that WE (the FP, dept, anyone in DCS's authority) don't have to tell the birth parents what they did wrong because THEY know that they have done wrong whether they admit it or not. I petition to you (my non foster parent friends) to realize that you don't have to tell us (foster parents) that we will get our hearts broken, that these are not our kids, maybe they would be better off with their birth parents, etc. When we signed up to be foster parents we knew the risks. We knew that we could get our hearts broken. We do NOT need a constant reminder. I also challenge you to understand that there are details that cannot be shared so for someone to make comments about the birth parents being best for the children, you wouldn't make that assumption if you knew what we knew. These comments are hurtful. I have had people tell me "going HOME is what is best for these children." FINALLY WE AGREE ON SOMETHING! You are absolutely right! I couldn't agree with you more. HOME is the best place for them. My children ARE home!

When I have asked people to pray for our current situation I haven't asked you to do anything you aren't comfortable. I haven't asked you to pray we get to keep MM, but simply that God would protect her. And I know he will. I have had a few days to process and gather myself. I realize that GOD is in control. I have a deep peace about the situation now. This happened with each one of our kids. They "almost" went home. BUT GOD!! GOD knows what is best. "For I know the plans I have for you..." "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." He wrote the life plans. He knows the plans he has for HIS DAUGHTER! He knew that she would come into our lives. I have to live my life believing that this will last a lifetime. That's what HOPE is. That is what FAITH is! I understand this line of thinking isn't for everyone, but it's all I know.

So again I ask, those of you who feel led to pray - we appreciate it. I KNOW that it's the prayers of God's saints that has brought us this far. Please pray as the Holy Spirit guides you. WE are praying that we get to keep her. I am not asking that of you though. If you don't feel led to pray that way then please don't. If you think we're crazy and don't wish to pray for us at all that is fine too. All I am asking is that you be sensitive in your speech and actions to us (and those like us) who have been called to do one of the hardest things in life. Thank you.

Side note: This was not "birthed" from one person's comments but the comments of a few people.

Side note 2: I realize there are some awesome birth parents out there who knew from the moment of conception that they weren't ready to be parents. There are those who tried and couldn't make it and willing gave their children to loving couples who could carry their children for them. My hat is off to you a million times over. I also want to acknowledge that there are birth parents who get their children taken away and that alone is enough to wake them up and make them get their life straight. Again, my hat is off to you. You are one of the elite of DCS families. I praise GOD that you did what was best for your child. There are way too many selfish birth parents out there who put many things above their children. YOU are not who I am talking about. I have never had the privilege of working with someone like you. I would like to think that I would feel differently, just as I did with DeShaun. As foster parents we love these children like our own. We fill your shoes when you can't. We want what is best for these children. Our hearts may break when they leave, but we rejoice with you in your success.