Three years ago today my life changed forever. It was the very first major
thing our family celebrated since Mom had died. It was such a bitter sweet day.
I spent the whole morning crying about what all she was missing. I tried to not
be mad at her, but part of me was very angry that she decided to leave (like she
really had control of it!) when all of this important stuff was going on.
As I walked into the court house I regained composer. I didn't want the
boys to think I was upset with them. We waited for the longest while then it was
our turn. We walked into the Judge's chambers. This judge was very cold. At one
point I wondered if he was really going to grant our adoption or not. He did,
though, and then gave the boys candy. Everyone said their congrats, we got our
paperwork and then we left.
Today is not only the day that we celebrate our Forever Family anniversary,
but it's also Landon's birthday. My baby who was only a year old when he came to
us turns 6 today. The time really does fly. I am so happy God chose me to be his
Mama. He is funny, smart, stubborn and so loving. I am so blessed.
Today always leaves me thinking back to the day when these two little fire
crackers came crashing through the door of my life. "Are you my new mom?" my
then 3 year old Sam asks. "Yes, I am!" I said with tears in my eyes. "Where is
my new room and new toys??" Through the good days, bad ones and the inbetween I
am so blessed to be chosen by God to be their mama.
Dear Sam and Landon,
I can't believe it's been 4 years since God blessed me with you two. We
have been through so much during that time. Grammie is watching over you today
and always. She is so proud of the young men you've become. You guys are
amazing. You make my world a better place. I pray that you will one day know
just how much I love you. Now let's go to the park! ;-)
What is it like to be to be held in the same arms that hold the universe What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of Heaven and earth When you open your eyes and look on the face of the Giver of Life The Author of Grace...Do you know
Your days here changed everything You're missed here and always will be But you left here the greatest gift of all Cause our hearts ache for home
What is it like to breathe in and breathe out... Heaven's Glorious Light What is it to be robed in perfection... no reason to cry When you feel on your face your Father's kiss...His welcome embrace We prayed for this...You should know
Your days here changed everything You're missed here and always will be But you left here the greatest gift of all Cause our hearts ache for home
So twinkle, twinkle little star We will keep you in our hearts Twinkle, twinkle little star We will meet you where you are.
Your days here changed everything You're missed here and always will be But you left here the greatest gift of all Cause our hearts ache for home
There is something so wrong with a parent burying their child. It is so unnatural and just WRONG! It hurt to bury my mama, but I always knew I would. She had lived her life. It hurt like I never imagined, but this is completely different. It was so cold outside. I didn't want to leave him. As a Christian I know that he's not in this earthly vessel anymore. Try telling that to my mama's heart. My life has changed over the years. We didn't bury our other children. The guilt I've carried from that I would never wish on anyone. We knew we wanted to make sure we didn't repeat those same mistakes.
Jeremiah's funeral was attended by only two. John dug his spot while I stood there and just cried. The kids napped in the car while we held his life celebration. I would've stood there forever if I could've. I'm his mama. I should be with him. John told me I had to leave because my living children needed me. I totally understand that. In a perfect world I would have all of my children with me. The greatest heartbreak is when you have earth blessings and angels. You feel so pulled between both of them. Obviously, God has plans for me so I must stay here...my heart feels torn into. I want to be here and raise my kids but I want to be with Jeremiah and my angels also. When I think of Jeremiah I see Isaiah. Isaiah is a total mama's boy. He loves his daddy, but there's nothing like mama. I am thankful Grammie is there to hold Jeremiah, but that is my job.
Last night we told the boys about Jeremiah. Most don't agree and that is fine. This is our family and this is how we chose to handle things. They knew we had "Jesus Babies" before we got them. Sam understands that his brother's short life was a blessing. Landon is mad. He doesn't understand. To be honest with you I understand how he feels. I haven't hit the anger stage of grief yet, but I am definitely in the hurting/questioning why stage.
No matter how we hurt or grieve, we still believe in the goodness of God. Jeremiah's life was a good thing. We love him. He is ours and will be forever. It seem like forever until we will see each other again, but on the other side of this life I will see how short this life really was. I miss him. I long to hold him again. Even if I had known how short our time together would be, I would do it all over again. He is such a blessing to us. We love you Jeremiah.
For those who are reading this who know us, I have but one request. It terrifies me to know that he will never be spoken of. I understand how you may feel. For us though, I WANT to talk about him. I want others to talk about him. Please don't act like he didn't exist. John and I will spend the rest of our lives missing him...see visions of what he would've been, what he would do..would he be a Mama's boy? Daddy's little man? The play dates that won't happen...the wedding that will never be. I'll never get to see his babies. I will never get to dance with him at his wedding. I know this isn't easy for you, but it's not easy for us either. If you really want to help us then help us keep his memory alive.
My sweet, sweet Jeremiah, Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know. Our hearts ache because we must be separated from you for a time. We will always remember you. We will carry you with us forever.
"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry. Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind. Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love. I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night. Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light. You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane. That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows. Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose. When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug, Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry. I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies! ~Unknown
DISCLAIMER: This blog will be very graphic, emotionally and physically. You have been warned.
Hug Him Once For Me By Erin McClure
I asked You Lord You answered, a little one You gave The hardest part I never knew was that little one You'd take But Lord I trust You now, I know that You are good And Jesus I was wondering if You would...
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close Let him sit upon Your knee And tell him all the things we would teach him about You Whisper in his ear one more simple truth Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
Waiting here right now Lord seems so hard to do Longing just to hold him like other mothers do And Lord I know You're faithful Your hand of grace I have known But I ask You in the meantime until You call me home
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close Let him sit upon Your knee And tell him all the things we would teach him about You Whisper in his ear one more simple truth Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
And when the trumpet sounds, Lord Your face I long to see Now I've one more reason to wait expectantly And when I get to Heaven and see all You have done I know that I will understand and to him I will run
I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close He'll sit upon my knee and tell me all the things You've taught him about You He'll whisper in my ear one more simple truth He'll tell me that he loves me and that he love you too He'll tell me that he loves You and Lord I love you too.
I hesitated to put this here, but this place is about my journey...not just numbers on a scale. Two weeks ago I was stoked because I had started my period all on my own. Things just weren't quite right. They seemed all too familiar. I put that thought out of mind though. I stopped bleeding around day 10, but yesterday morning I started bleeding again. I remember calling Cindy to fuss because I wasn't going to make it to the gym. Oh how petty that seems now.
A couple hours later I had the feeling that I needed to change my pad and tampon. While in the bathroom, I discovered that I was actually miscarrying. I picked up my child called John in the room. I was in shock. John looked like a ghost. He later told me he was afraid to say anything. He later told me that he felt as long as he didn't speak that it wasn't really happening. We carefully brought him back into our room where we held him for what seemed like forever. Then, I took a very small box I had and cut two small pieces of a baby blanket to line his "coffin" with. I kissed him and placed his body inside of its earthly resting place then covered him with another piece of blanket. I couldn't bear flushing his little body down the toilet. He is my son and his life mattered. Based on his size he was about 8 weeks.
I feel guilty. I am his mother. How could I not know about him? I hope he knows how much we wanted him though. He was a huge surprise, but that didn't make him any less wanted. I see the pain my husband is going through. As a guy, he tries to remain strong. That guilt eats me too. I feel so broken. Why did God choose him to go along this journey with me? He doesn't deserve this pain. He keeps telling me this isn't my fault, but it has to be some how. My body has failed me 6 times now.
Despite the pain, I am thankful God chose me to be this little one's mama. He came to life for a purpose and I know he lived every single moment God intended for him to. A friend's husband told me yesterday that maybe this was God's way of showing me that I could still get pregnant. While some may not find that comforting...in some ways I do. My heart longs to hold him again. The thought of waiting a life time to see him is almost unbearable. When I think about how short this life is compared to eternity, though, it is worth it.
I wish he could've stayed. No good parent wants to say goodbye to their child. Even though that wasn't God's plan I am thankful that I was chosen to carry him. My arms ache to hold him once more. My chest longs to feel a newborn, THIS CHILD against my breast to nurture him the way a mom is supposed to. My heart feels so torn and out of place. I love all of my children but I can't be in two places at once. I am blessed, so blessed. My job is here, but my heart aches for the day when all of my babies can be together. I long for the day when I won't feel so torn between Heaven and earth.
John told me he felt this child was a boy. He told me the name Jeremiah immediately came to his heart when he found out. We chose the name Jeremiah Daniel for this precious blessing. May he sit on his Grammie's lap with his brothers and sisters until we can all be together.
God, our human hearts can't make sense of any of this. We thank You for giving us Jeremiah, Michael, Felicity, Hannah, Eli and Maddie. Each of them holds a special place in our hearts. They each had a purpose and we are very grateful you chose us to be their parents. We don't pretend to understand the reasons why You decided to take them home so quickly, but we will still praise You. We praise you that you saw fit to give us children we could keep with us on this earth also. Give us strength in our weakness so that we may be able to continue to do all we need to in the midst of feeling like we're falling apart. Please come to us during this time and allow Your Glory to shine through this. Please help us heal and some how make sense of this tragedy. Amen.
Jeremiah Daniel Born into Jesus' Arms 1/14/2012
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." ~Author Unknown
"Lord, I wanted to hold my son in my lap and tell him all about you. Since I never got the chance will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"
I am going to share my heart for a moment. I have shared before about being told as a child that I would never have children. Even before then I always knew I would be a mom. I knew some way God would provide this dream for me. In my life I have been blessed with 10 beautiful children. I praise God for them. I know God isn't finished with us yet.
There are over 147 million orphans in the world. Studies show that if 7% of Christians would adopt just 1 child there would be no more need for DCS/CPS/Foster Care/Group homes. Please take a moment and just think on that for a moment. We have really let these kids down. I say no more. This blog isn't to harp on those who haven't surrendered to the call of Christ to care for the orphans.
I come to you and ask that you join us in prayer. There are a lot of things that will need to happen before we complete our next adoption.
1. We need a bigger house. 2. John will need a better job. 3. From what I understand, if we do private adoption we'll have to have 3 years of tax returns to prove income.
This list is just the beginning. We are standing on faith that God will provide these needs when He is ready to send us out again.
Yes, we have 5 kids. I know that is more than the average person thinks is acceptable. We have plenty of love, time and energy for these and many more. God promised to provide ALL of our needs according to His riches in Glory. I know most people's minds immediately go to money when they hear this scripture. I choose to believe what it says though. He'll provide ALL. That means that when I am weak He is strong. When I am tired He provides my energy. There is a stirring in my spirit to start preparing for our next child(ren). It breaks my heart knowing s/he could be out there already. Is someone loving them? Are they cold? Are they hungry? My mama's heart longs to run to them and comfort them. That is an impossible task right now though. They are already my babies. Even if they haven't been conceived yet.
I am asking for you to join us in prayer. Whenever you think about us please pray and ask God to prepare our hearts and the hearts of those we will deal with. Please pray for our son or daughter. Pray that if they are already here that they will be able to have a safe, warm, loving home until God brings them home. Pray for our future birth moms. Pray that she makes the healthy choices for these kids.
So this morning we will have the TPR hearing for Liana and Isaiah. There is a bit of nervousness that comes with this, but I'm surprisingly calm. It's hard to believe that after everything it is finally wind down time. After this comes the waiting then the adoption. They will be ours forever in just a couple short months. We are blessed beyond measure that God saw it right to give us these blessings. I can't imagine my life without them and I'm glad I don't have to. So please say a prayer for us this morning. Thank you.
I keep telling myself that I'm going to start blogging more often but I never do. I post so much on FB that I just don't take the time to blog. I'm going to attempt to start blogging more now. Life is good the kids are growing. We are very blessed. I can't even remember life without my babies.
For those who don't remember, we have kids now. Sam and Landon came to us in 2008. Jewel-Anne was a post adoption miracle arriving 40 days after the boys' adoption. Our youngest daughter arrived in 2009, 6 weeks before before Jewel-Anne's adoption. She and Jewel-Anne are 6 weeks apart. Nine weeks later her biological brother came to live with us.
"Minnie" and "Mickey" will be our 4th and 5th adoptions. We are very excited. We have finally decided on their names. Post adoption they will be Liana and Isaiah. We have our TPR court hearing in early August. From what I understand we are look at 10-12 weeks until the adoption will be completed. We are hoping it will be sooner, but God knows what His will is. Our inconveniences are of no surprise to Him.
Now we decide where to go from here. Please continue to pray for us. There are some changes that will occur so stay tuned!!
John and I had 3 miscarriages (Madison, Elijah and Michael) before becoming foster parents. Our home study had been approved a mere 2 minutes before we found out that our boys were being placed with us. In fact it was in the same call. They were with family so they arrived two days later. They arrived in March 2008. Sam (now 6) and Landon's (now 4) adoption took place on April 2, 2009 (Landon's Birthday).
Less than two weeks later we got the call about our first infant placement. John sped home from work and got pulled over at the end of our street. He explained what was going on and the cop let him go. We still laugh about it. Jewel-Anne (named after my mom who passed away 4 months before baby was born) She was placed with us two days after Mother's Day that year. Her adoption took place in April of this year. She is now 16 months. It brought me comfort to know that mom left when she did so she could spend some time with her granddaughter since she wouldn't have time with her here.
Little did we know what was in store for us. 11 days before Jewel-Anne's adoption we had a visit with our case worker. I was teasing her telling her that exactly 40 days after the boys adoption we got Jewel-Anne so if she could manage to do that again I would take it as a good sign.
Later that evening a got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. Even as a foster parent I don't tend to answer calls from strange numbers but I did and it was our case worker telling me she had an infant girl she wanted to place with us. I thought she was joking. I told her that I wanted to talk to John and I would call her right back. I called and he didn't answer so I called her back and said bring her on. He'll just have a nice surprise when he gets home. There weren't a lot of details on her and our case worker had her age wrong but it turns out she was only 6 weeks younger than Jewel-Anne. Minnie Mouse was so quiet and reserved. She didn't cry all weekend long. We had to guess if she was hungry. Everyone was telling us how blessed we were that she was so calm but it really just broke my heart. Babies are supposed to cry to get their needs met. It takes a lot to get a child to the point that they won't cry for anything. John took Friday off and went to work on Monday. I was in the middle of giving baths when he left and she started crying and cried until everyone's baths were finished. I am happy to report that she found her voice pretty quickly and had such a little dainty, controlling personality. She hates getting dirty/messy, but she loves to tattle on her brothers if they are misbehaving! When we went to court we found out Birth Mom was pregnant again so we temporarily put our home on hold so we wouldn't get anymore (we could only take one more infant) until the baby arrived.
On May 14th we received the call about Mickey Mouse. He was one week old when he came home with us. We were so excited. He is now 3 months old and we are waiting for the parents rights to be terminated and be able to adopt them too.
So we have 8 kids Madison (angel), Elijah (angel), Sam (6), Landon (4), Michael (angel), Jewel-Anne (15 mos), Minnie (14mos) and Mickey (3 mos). I have 3 under 16 mos! It gets crazy sometimes but I wouldn't have it any other way. We prayed for a long time that God would bless us with even one child. Apparently he likes to show off! ;)
Posts
